Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Last year about a month after I made this blog, I made an Instagram account by the same name. I wasn't sure if I was going to use the account often and I was nervous of the extra type of accountability especially considering at the time I did not know my exact numbers. I only uploaded 3 pictures during that the entire year. Having developed body dysmorphic disorder, that would keep me away from sharing pictures on such a platform. A year later I decided to take a look at the weight loss community on Instagram, yes, that's a thing. It was last year as well, but to a seemingly much less degree. It seems to have really exploded in the last year. I decided to upload to older pictures of me, currently there isn't a single picture of me on the account  from this year. That just feels safer, what I did notice while going through my cloud service to get some pictures of me was that I did actually notice a difference between two pictures from last year from as little time as Febru...

I decided to go to the BBQ after all, we arrived there after 2pm on Monday there were quite a lot of people there, most of which I didn't know. My brother and the nephews were already there. My brother took us around and introduced us to the people we didn't know, which was  sort  of a nightmare for me, but everyone was super nice and respectable which made that part all the more easier for me. My mom made her way to a table with the ladies, the kids were having a blast jumping on a giant trampoline, there was a table with a group gentlemen I had been introduced to, which I made sure to avoid sitting at. There were two guys manning two separate  large grills. I found my way to a empty picnic table in the far back of the backyard, all to myself, nice and secluded, well secluded enough. My youngest nephew soon joined me for awhile. More people started showing up, and introducing themselves. At some point my brother came to talk to me about various things, some about h...

Well after a solid week of exercise and eating, it's time to see the results. Last time I stepped on the scale I weighted 398.3, this week I weigh 394.6 I lost 3.7lbs. Not bad, this is currently a new peak low. Times like this I really wish I had my own Planet Fitness  gym membership, could likely really get results. Some family is having a barbecue/cookout today at my nephews moms parents house, so my 2 younger nephews and my brother and probably a bunch of people I don't know will be there. I originally didn't plan on going, but now I'm getting the feeling that my mother doesn't want to go alone so I've been reconsidering.... This week I'll cut out chip snacks, last week I was actually very good about not over indulging, I decided to put  some in  sandwich bags by serving size and have one a day. This week though I'm cutting them out. Think I'll make this week a reading week, see how far I can get in my book. I'm going to try looking in ...

People defend celebrities regularly by saying that we cant imagine what they go through being famous;  being watched, and harassed all the time depending on there level of fame. That we cant imagine what it would be like to be under a microscope all the time. Obesity is a lot like being celebrity plenty of the time, except without the admiration, the adoring fans, the fame, or the fortune. Instead its all ridicule, its looks of shock, appall, its turning and pointing, its laughing at you right in your face, its less than discrete offense insults. What this does to someones mind after years of being subjected to this, that is in fact what people cant imagine. You start to live by a different set of rules and ideas. Everything takes a certain level of calculation, a calculation that you  that you never seem to get right. In a perfect world someone who is obese could walk down a grocery store isle and not have to feel insecure that someone might make an insecure  gesture t...

I'm nervous about this week, a number of reasons most of them odd. There's tomorrow's weigh-in, I need to do blood work, I need to make an MRI appointment ( the same one from months ago I never made ), there's that cookout I'm planning on skipping as well,  plus the mundaneness to my days that I'm just sick of looking forward to. I exercised 5 days last week. I did the 2 mile multi-muscle indoor walk four days, and one day I bumped up to the 3 mile. The 3 mile which Is immediately more intense than the two mile, I wasn't sure if I'd finish it but I did. I got to a point though where I basically had blown out my shoulders, it was rather painful todo movements that involved going over my head, and lifting my arms at times was difficult. Once the countdown clock got  to 20mins  I became hit and miss and sluggish with certain arm activities. I still managed to get through the entire work out, but I was pretty much aching all over. I did that Thursday, the ...

How does your typical day begin? What tasks so you normally do, what people do you normally see? What places do you go, what kind of things keep you busy? "Is this my life?" I ask to myself way too often.  I have no hobbies,  and interests are slim. I've realized how much each day looks like the one before it. I'm mostly surrounded in the four walls that makeup my bedroom. I have my 3 meals, I read a few blogs, I watch various YouTube videos, I take naps to fight the overwhelming depression and anxiety at times, later in the day I do my indoor miles, I go to bed. Unless I have an appointment, or the nephews drop by, the formula doesn't change much. This is my existence. Truly it feels like I'm just living for the next weigh-in. I often try to forget that I am 28. I recently rediscovered my plans and aspirations for 2015 which I wrote December 8, 2014. Long before this blog came to be ( well not that long actually ). I don't know if I ever posted it. ...

Well, my brother didn't end making it to our house until around 9:30pm.  He stopped by to see the 3 other  nephews I don't see very often first for several hours. My other two nephews and their mom arrived at my house about 15 minutes before he did. The nephews eased my anxiety a tad. I was under the assumption my brother had gained quite a bit of weight. My mother and nephews mom had been making a big deal about the pant size my brother was wearing now when they had to go shopping for clothes for him several weeks back to prepare for his release. That was sort of a calming thought for some reason. There was a knock at the door, show time! It was my brother... And a cousin of mine, I actually didn't get off the couch (I probably should have mentioned I was in the living room with my nephews and my mom, and their mom awaiting, I felt like someone would have made a big deal if I had stayed in my room with my door shut during his debut) my cousin hugged me first for some re...

Well I found out early today that my brother wouldn't quite be making his debut today because he would have to make several bus trips over several days. This somehow eased my anxiety, I mean why not? For the time-being I'll take prolonging the inevitable, which historically worsens my anxiety . I was told he wouldn't be making it here until around Friday, however later in the day, near the end,  I'm told there has been a miscalculation and he will be home sometime tomorrow. Anxiety currently sky high. Tomorrow will be quite the test, I am quite thankful that I have therapy on the same day, as my mind keeps going to dark places I have actually entertained the possibility of voluntary commitment, of course it would likely derail weight loss and what's the point of being committed if it's just going to make you worse off? Then I'll just end up in a worse off state where I end up on involuntary terms . In other news I had a doctors appointment today, it'...

Last Week started strong and quickly  turned into a steaming pile of something less-than-useful . I had therapy Wednesday and decided to visit Nick and Melissa whom convinced me to dog-sit for them while they went camping. I really was not into the idea, but for some I agreed, mostly because their dog Belle is typically such low maintenance. They were suppose to leave Friday but left a day early, which immediately bugged me as it was not discussed with me until hours before they were to depart. So they left Thursday. Belle, which I've watched before a few months ago, kept using the bathroom in the house (their house) It was as if she completely had been   de- house-trained. I was incredibly frustrated by this as I quickly realized it wasn't the dogs fault, I easily see her sighs that she needs to go out. It's that her owners aren't taking her out enough and she's had so many "accidents" inside and it's becoming all to easy to pick up those familiar  ...

Things are going steady as far as exercise goes I increased the in-door miles Monday and Tuesday to two as planned, the increase wasn't difficult actually.  I might attempt the 3 miles next, however that one is immediately more intense than what Ive been doing, so we will see, and besides a week is a long ways away. Therapy today, I anticipate this wont go well after the talk I had with my mom, I finally let her in on things, she perhaps think I need to go back to the Behavioral Health Pavilion, there were talks about having me forcibly taken there I'm not even sure if that's a thing , it gave me anxiety nonetheless. I was able to defuse the issue by reminding her that I had therapy tomorrow (today). Eating has been good.

Well, this is always baffling to me, and I've noticed this every time I've added physical activity to my routine this year. The week before, weight loss tends to be better. This is no exception. The past week I have done my indoor multi-muscle workout every single day, evening during the weekend (last year I would break during the weekends, so I've never worked out so many days consecutively). Last week I weighted 396.4 pounds, this week, 396.4. Nothing changed! Maintaining is a lack of progress and after a week of adding in exercise I'm more than disappointed. My eating was good. A bit more red meat than usual, and I indulged a bit more on chips than I normally would, but I can't believe these would be a factor in this, I should have lost! Before I go completely crazy and allow myself to get completely lost in the dark haze over this I'm going to re-frame this a bit. Maybe just may -be I've built up some muscle over the week, and maybe  the sodium from th...

I anticipated a gain on Monday's weigh-in. The previous week I gave in to some temptations, and the depression thing hasn't been great, in spite of these things I still lost. I'm currently down to 396.4 . I lost 1.2 pounds last week. This week Ive been doing my Leslie Sansone indoor miles everyday, and even plan to do them through the weekend. I recently deleted my facebook again. It added to my anxiety and I didn't want to able to reach out anybody to during dark times (which is as macabre as it sounds),also I let my friends Nick and Melissa in on how things  were with my depression and anxiety a few weeks ago. I  didn't sugarcoat anything and they were deeply concerned and since have been. Anyways, I regretted telling, not because they reacted poorly but because I just have this anxiety about have something so personal out there . Id just much rather they not know. Friday, Nick popped up at my house randomly to check in on me after realizing my facebook had been...