Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Today I have been taking it easy. Been doing some reading, getting further in my book, catching up on the show House Of Cards, watched my youngest nephew  for a few hours. Just been trying to fill the empty space up a little better. I'd like to read more of my book before the night is over as well as start reading the walking dead comics I got into a long time ago, those too are taking up too much space on my iPad. The blog looks different, I'm not quite sure how long this will last, I'm still trying to figure out what look I'm going for, and if I feel like making a banner or not etc... The last one was actually way out of the element for me, I liked the style of it but it didn't really fit this blog to me.

Well the past few days have been all over the place and my anxiety seems to keep shooting to the extreme. Yesterday I actually got in to see my psychiatrist, if you've been keeping track you know impromptu cancellations are something I pretty I have to expect. Luckily there were no last minute surprises. To get straight to the point, my psychiatrist thinks I should consider an out patient program, I forget all of the things they entail it would likely be similar to the behavioral  health pavilion, I will not follow up on that. In other news she also increased my antidepressant (Prozac), I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this coming, yet I was still disappointed. It turns out that when they increased my ADHD medication  few months back the pharmacy made an error and put on the bottle that it needed to be taken before bed, which I was quite upset my psychiatrist didn't tell me about as it's quite a change from in the morning, but I just went with it, but it was ...

It's been an interesting day, yesterday was my moms birthday I forgot to mention that. I was eventually overcome with a sweeping depressive haze that had me in sleeping spells I had to make it a point NOT to sleep the day away. My mom had a seemingly nice day, I was battling the dark haze however, and I guess my mom could tell cause she had to make a trip to Walmart and asked me to ride with her " just to get out of the house" , I actually agreed but told her right away I wouldn't go in. Today I had my follow-up appointment regarding the work I had a week ago, everything was good even the vitamin D, but there was one issue (so technically everything wasn't good) , and I could tell as she was going through the list of everything that was good and perfect that she was leading to something, but for some reason I had not jumped to conclusions like usual. So it's my kidneys. Last time we tested they had slightly improved from before and we figured ' wel...

Last week eating wise was pretty stellar, fruits and veggies pretty much every day. I stuck to my no chips agenda. I dropped the ball with working out though. While at my friends I did stay away from the many temptation foods, although I did have a donut on national donut day (apparently that's a thing, just like national chocolate bar day and national hard candy day... I kid about the last two). They did make some kind of cheesy Tater-tot casserole that looked delicious but it just had entirely too much going on. Last week I weighed 394.6, this week I weigh 389.8 . I lost 4.8 pounds. It's interesting I lost so much in a week where my psychical activity was lower than the week prior, this seems to be the trend. My plans for this week include but are not limited to doing my indoor miles everyday, reading, watching some movies and catching up on some to shows. I also have a follow up appointment tomorrow with my doctor and my psychiatrist appointment Wednesday.

Seems as though yet another week will be here before I know it. Last week I had some decent agendas, read everyday, no eating chips, workout everyday. The only thing I stuck to, however, was not eating chips. I only read once, and I only worked out one day. I ended going over to my friends house mid week and that threw off my working out completely, and too many distractions to read, but I did not indulge in temptation while over there. I was over there for a couple days. My friend Nick got himself into a bit of a situation when he was driving home from work one day and a guy cut him off, and so Nick honked his horn at the guy. Well at some point the guy ends up behind him and is tailing him,  legitimately  following.  H e calls Melissa (bad idea) as he is heading home, she becomes unhinged, she suggests going to the police station ( among many, many other things short of having a magical genie in a bottle could not have been done ) which Nick was already en route t...

Last year about a month after I made this blog, I made an Instagram account by the same name. I wasn't sure if I was going to use the account often and I was nervous of the extra type of accountability especially considering at the time I did not know my exact numbers. I only uploaded 3 pictures during that the entire year. Having developed body dysmorphic disorder, that would keep me away from sharing pictures on such a platform. A year later I decided to take a look at the weight loss community on Instagram, yes, that's a thing. It was last year as well, but to a seemingly much less degree. It seems to have really exploded in the last year. I decided to upload to older pictures of me, currently there isn't a single picture of me on the account  from this year. That just feels safer, what I did notice while going through my cloud service to get some pictures of me was that I did actually notice a difference between two pictures from last year from as little time as Febru...

I decided to go to the BBQ after all, we arrived there after 2pm on Monday there were quite a lot of people there, most of which I didn't know. My brother and the nephews were already there. My brother took us around and introduced us to the people we didn't know, which was  sort  of a nightmare for me, but everyone was super nice and respectable which made that part all the more easier for me. My mom made her way to a table with the ladies, the kids were having a blast jumping on a giant trampoline, there was a table with a group gentlemen I had been introduced to, which I made sure to avoid sitting at. There were two guys manning two separate  large grills. I found my way to a empty picnic table in the far back of the backyard, all to myself, nice and secluded, well secluded enough. My youngest nephew soon joined me for awhile. More people started showing up, and introducing themselves. At some point my brother came to talk to me about various things, some about h...

Well after a solid week of exercise and eating, it's time to see the results. Last time I stepped on the scale I weighted 398.3, this week I weigh 394.6 I lost 3.7lbs. Not bad, this is currently a new peak low. Times like this I really wish I had my own Planet Fitness  gym membership, could likely really get results. Some family is having a barbecue/cookout today at my nephews moms parents house, so my 2 younger nephews and my brother and probably a bunch of people I don't know will be there. I originally didn't plan on going, but now I'm getting the feeling that my mother doesn't want to go alone so I've been reconsidering.... This week I'll cut out chip snacks, last week I was actually very good about not over indulging, I decided to put  some in  sandwich bags by serving size and have one a day. This week though I'm cutting them out. Think I'll make this week a reading week, see how far I can get in my book. I'm going to try looking in ...

People defend celebrities regularly by saying that we cant imagine what they go through being famous;  being watched, and harassed all the time depending on there level of fame. That we cant imagine what it would be like to be under a microscope all the time. Obesity is a lot like being celebrity plenty of the time, except without the admiration, the adoring fans, the fame, or the fortune. Instead its all ridicule, its looks of shock, appall, its turning and pointing, its laughing at you right in your face, its less than discrete offense insults. What this does to someones mind after years of being subjected to this, that is in fact what people cant imagine. You start to live by a different set of rules and ideas. Everything takes a certain level of calculation, a calculation that you  that you never seem to get right. In a perfect world someone who is obese could walk down a grocery store isle and not have to feel insecure that someone might make an insecure  gesture t...

I'm nervous about this week, a number of reasons most of them odd. There's tomorrow's weigh-in, I need to do blood work, I need to make an MRI appointment ( the same one from months ago I never made ), there's that cookout I'm planning on skipping as well,  plus the mundaneness to my days that I'm just sick of looking forward to. I exercised 5 days last week. I did the 2 mile multi-muscle indoor walk four days, and one day I bumped up to the 3 mile. The 3 mile which Is immediately more intense than the two mile, I wasn't sure if I'd finish it but I did. I got to a point though where I basically had blown out my shoulders, it was rather painful todo movements that involved going over my head, and lifting my arms at times was difficult. Once the countdown clock got  to 20mins  I became hit and miss and sluggish with certain arm activities. I still managed to get through the entire work out, but I was pretty much aching all over. I did that Thursday, the ...

How does your typical day begin? What tasks so you normally do, what people do you normally see? What places do you go, what kind of things keep you busy? "Is this my life?" I ask to myself way too often.  I have no hobbies,  and interests are slim. I've realized how much each day looks like the one before it. I'm mostly surrounded in the four walls that makeup my bedroom. I have my 3 meals, I read a few blogs, I watch various YouTube videos, I take naps to fight the overwhelming depression and anxiety at times, later in the day I do my indoor miles, I go to bed. Unless I have an appointment, or the nephews drop by, the formula doesn't change much. This is my existence. Truly it feels like I'm just living for the next weigh-in. I often try to forget that I am 28. I recently rediscovered my plans and aspirations for 2015 which I wrote December 8, 2014. Long before this blog came to be ( well not that long actually ). I don't know if I ever posted it. ...

Well, my brother didn't end making it to our house until around 9:30pm.  He stopped by to see the 3 other  nephews I don't see very often first for several hours. My other two nephews and their mom arrived at my house about 15 minutes before he did. The nephews eased my anxiety a tad. I was under the assumption my brother had gained quite a bit of weight. My mother and nephews mom had been making a big deal about the pant size my brother was wearing now when they had to go shopping for clothes for him several weeks back to prepare for his release. That was sort of a calming thought for some reason. There was a knock at the door, show time! It was my brother... And a cousin of mine, I actually didn't get off the couch (I probably should have mentioned I was in the living room with my nephews and my mom, and their mom awaiting, I felt like someone would have made a big deal if I had stayed in my room with my door shut during his debut) my cousin hugged me first for some re...