Brandon, Who Lives At Home

More than ever perhaps it's become clear to that the road to recovery isn't going to be an easy one. And I'm just talking about my mental health, it's been a struggle truly, but the past week it has felt like I've made the right steps in the right directions. So when I found myself knee deep in melancholy recently I really had to decide between a burst of incredibly self-destructive impossible, and simultaneously rational lucid, thoughts . I made it through by consciously deciding to go with the rational side of things. Slowly things came together and the seemingly distorted picture of my life got a bit  of clarity. These battles are happening quite often, I have to ask myself am I strong enough for this, do I even want this any more? I get through them but the answers aren't always crystal clear. I still don't know where my weight loss is going, major weight loss success stories or transformations give me anxiety now I just genuinely don't think I wil...

I watched the first episode of the Netflix show Stranger Things , I'm already hooked. It'll be a nice diversion from things. Today I also went to see the kidney specialist, that was a mixed bag. It's going to be a bit of a long stretch before any definite answer is given. Right now things aren't looking terrible, there are quite a number of factors that could have lead to the way my kidneys are reading the way they are, one being that antibiotic I was taking for my skin condition for such a long time, my once higher weight and high blood pressure going undiagnosed and so severely high. Still isn't  exactly alarming, also my urine test proved fine as well. We are going do some lab work, an ultrasound of my kidneys, and some other things in the coming weeks/months.

Ive decided to stop reading Waking Up afterall. It turns out that it wasn't really bring me closer to spirituality, just telling me how wrong all the religions have been in their teachings, and that's not what I was seeking. I have started reading Peace Is Every Step instead and have already taken a liking to it. Yesterday I did my dumbbell workout and though I still struggled and huff and puffed through it, it was 5% easier than the last time I did it. I had therapy today, went well. I've decided to discuss something major with my therapist next session that I haven't even discussed here which will mark arguably the first time that a rather large sensitive subject as been discussed in therapy before I discussed it on the blog, but I'm finally ready to get it off my shoulders. Unfortunately I don't have therapy next week so it will have to wait a bit longer than usual. Still not exactly a transformation I suppose, well, certainly not like the ones I...

Yesterday I went to the gym, I slightly altered my routine a bit. I did 60 minutes on the treadmill on a 1.5 incline and speed set to 2.5. This equaled out over 2 miles  total distance  which typically I don't pay attention to, the treadmill said I burned over 500 calories during that walk. My feet became rather irritated and sore towards the end of the walk though and  still are today. When I got to the machines I went up on the weight levels from to 10 to 25. While I was on the chest press machine there was this guy across from me on the weight bench, lifting, he was very physically fit and in shape, I did my first set on the chest press and moved on to the leg-extension machine before coming back to the chest press again for a final set. At one point while resting between reps the guy comes over to me and smiles, gives me a thumbs up and nods his head. It was sort of a cool, yet awkward moment. I felt simultaneously proud, encouraged, and self-conscious . I spent the...

It's been a pretty stressful past week, and I think no one will be surprised with the outcome of this weeks weigh-in with the way I decided to eat while at my friends last week. Last week I weighed 370.6, this week I weigh 371.6 . I gained literally one pound. I just sort of ate my issues a bit I suppose. I found out this morning that an aunt on my fathers side has cancer, the only aunt on that side that I have ever had any kind of involvement with. She's really nice, so hearing the news was quite heartbreaking, and it still hasn't fully set in. She's started getting treatment of some kind today. Obviously this week isn't starting off particularly great. I have no idea how my father is taking the news, I might go see him this week. It's been over a year now and I've decided to officially call it quits on the book Darkest Evening Of The Year and will pursue something else. I'll likely be reading one of the following Peace Is Every Step , The Art Of Ra...

I'm back home today, after spending the last couple days with friends eating recklessly. I had a very intense dream last night. It was of my mom sobbing and crying telling me she needed me and loved me, she was hysterical. It was as if she had gotten some kind of warning that I might planning or thinking of taking an eternal slumber. I was so confused I couldn't figure out how she would have suddenly found out I was so on edge, no one knows of the blog, my therapist wouldn't wouldn't say anything, and I've been wearing my usual masks I was so thrown. And I didn't know what to say, I remember wanting to say it's going to be alright , but also not wanting to because I genuinely wasn't sure that was true. I remember the weird feeling in my stomach That was my dream, very odd, I don't know what it means. I

Ive been eating more than usual  the past day, lots of chocolatey things, also pizza. I left home yesterday to hangout with Nick and Melissa, I've been indulging in their junk food that I usual resist and even though I actually brought my own healthy food  I decided,  screw it  I'm just going to eat whatever. I ate way too much pizza yesterday, but oh well, I've eaten way too many chocolate cake snacks but oh well, champagne problems I suppose. The working out agenda for the week has been scrapped. Everything is up in the air.

I spent yesterday in just an bad place, I can tell my overall mood is shifting into a general bad place once again. It's oh so familiar. I didn't go to that DBT group yesterday, I didn't do my dumbbell workout at home either, I mostly just layed in bed in a complete funk. I've been feeling very discouraged. Today I didn't end up going to the gym because my mom made a big about having to make so many trips for me (a whole three, gym, therapy, orthopedist) so I just said forget it and ixnay'd the gym all together. This sent me deeper into the current emotional low I've been sinking in lately. Feels like I win small irreverent battles only to realize the war can't be won. I'm  genuinely asking myself what am I doing, why am I doing this? I don't see myself getting to my goal weight so what am I really doing? I'm so tired of this cycle, I'm tired of being so unhappy, it really does feel neverending. I never seem to make a complete turno...

last week seen the debut of the dumbbell workout. I didn't follow as closely to my mostly white meat diet as usual, it's a non-issue in the grand scheme of things. Last week I weighed 373.0, this week I weigh 370.6. I lost 2.4lbs. I didn't expect to lose this week as I said in a previous post, I expected a small muscle/water related gain, but this is a nice surprise. I've already been to the gym today and done my usual routines, it was more crowded than usual, in fact, the machine area and weight bench area was extreme crowded, I've never seen so many people there at once. The people weren't as physically diverse as usual either, they were either very fit, or undeniably skinny. I questioned if I would keep coming would If it were like this or worse all the time, I've never even been there during peak hours. A lot of other things were popping through my head from time to time when the songs on my iPod weren't enough to distract me. I later singled my...

I haven't done too much to be honest, mostly resting, those dumbbell workouts have really worn me out. I'm going to attempt to watch a movie today, we shall see if I do that. I'm feeling a little meh today, just in terms of my overall mood, it's  rather grey outside also, which normally wouldn't have anything to do with anything, but it somehow feels connected today. I'm returning to the gym this week, the plan is to go at least 3 times, I may throw in a dumbbell day at home in there, I'm not sure, or quite possibly do a dumbbell set the same day as a gym day, quite possibly all three days?! That would really be pushing it. It depends on how this weigh-in goes, I have a feeling I'm in for a muscle/water / frustrating related gain... Next week I also have an appointment with an orthopedist after therapy, about my knee. Going to find out exactly what the recommendation is as to remedy the situation.

Today I seen my nutritionist, would have been a pretty routine visit, but my nutrionist, Mary, said something that changed it completely. After I got off the scale she said "Wow yeah, you've been doing something. I see it in your face " My mind was blown, no  I can't see it myself but someone actually said it completely unsolicited, in real life and my face of all places. It was only weeks ago that I cut my beard and sideburns down so that my face would stop creating the illusion of fake definition, and appear its natural true round not -defined self. Yet here comes this complement. It felt very nice, actually, I must say. In other news yesterday I seen my main doctor and we've decided to try going  down on one of my blood pressure medicines, she's not quite ready to take me off anything just yet even though my blood pressure has been perfect or near perfect the last several times I've been there. The decrease  goes into effect next week. Day...

Therapy out the way, we touched down on a lot of subjects today. I felt pretty good afterwords which is pretty rare, even when nothing heavy is discussed I tend to feel emotionally drained and drift towards to the sad spectrum of things for the rest of the day. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is what the the type of group therapy my psychiatrist is wanting me todo, I discussed it more with my therapist and even agreed to maybe go next week. It would be weekly on Tuesdays, my therapist won't actually have any involvement with the group itself. What to make of this is the question. Before heading to therapy my mom said "you look good today, your hair looks nice." I just looked over at her with a confused, suspicious look for a while. My mom taking slight offense to this then said "you're welcome." Which honestly, I was going to say but  I was so wrapped up in how random that was, and why it happened, that I had not got to saying the thank you yet. I actual...