Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Mom turned 60 today. Kind of a scary age. I don't like the reality of my mom getting older but I have to accept it. I'm glad she's still around and mostly agile. I need a lot of working on. There are things that I need to let go of that would improve our relationship 10fold. I just keep certain resentments  that do me no good. I hate the idea of letting go because it feels like I'm saying it was all okay, like it didn't matter . Learning to let go is really something I have to bring to the forefront. I've been on a bender be all week. Homemade pizza one day, taco Bell, McDonald's, Lee's (it's a chicken place), chips, and tons and tons of sweets. Yes, Reese's! Sadly they have made several appearances, all kinds of things covered in chocolate, cookies, kit Kat bars, the works. Just bingeing and bingeing. I've sure to have gainee a nice chunk of actual weight, not to mention a crazy amount of water retention. I've b...

There is no other way to put it than I've relapsed. Crash and burning.  The deep truths are that I am just total lost cause. I suppose it's good then that the few people who believed in me are blowing in the wind. This story doesn't end with me being some  kind of weight loss success story. It ends with me succumbing to my mental health, someone used  this to describe a loss of theirs last year. Or me dying from gaining my weight back and letting my health deteriorate. I'm 31. I should have tried this all in my early 20s. Trying to reinvent myself and start living for the first time at 30  is such a joke. But I have food for now, and thank goodness for that, because I've learned not only is my existence dull without food, it simply doesn't matter. I must mean something to food, food understands, if nothing else it doesn't forget about me. Doesn't leave me lonely.

Its been awhile. I gained some weight, lost some again. Recent actions dictate a gain if I dont stop now. My second stint in the partial program has come and gone. Last Friday was my last day. Now what? I've been eating like crazy all weekend. I keep expecting food to give me something it cannot. Validition or purpose. Any perceived benefit from this habit is temporary and destructive. I'm not going to therapy tomorrow. I just want to be alone. So much time has been wasted on me

 Not a simple answer. I grew up with two older brothers who I felt my mom favored, especially the oldest. They were also in trouble alot. I was very attached to my mom but  she used most of her time and mental resources on my brothers. I was much different than my brothers, easier. Mom was easier on me and spoiled me when she could. My brother's hated this. Because I was so much more of  an easier child, I was left to my own devices quite a bit. But during my childhood our relationship was at its best, it's also when my bingeing started. I did have an imaginary grandmother tho, in spite of having 2 grandmother's. I'll add more to this later, but for now this is it. 

It's been a few weeks since my last update. Things are going well. I was able to turn things around. Got back to eating on track, and avoiding binging. I took preemptive step with my mental health by going back into that partial hospitalization program. I felt I needed to get ahead of of the slow sink I was getting in because I wasn't binging. I figure this would strengthen my mental and prevent a future relapse and allow me to lose weight more consistently because there will be no setbacks. Last week was my first week back, it's interesting this time around to be quite honest in. I have questioned whether I should have returned. The other stories I hear while there are so much more severe and gripping. But I'm hacking through the bad self talk. I haven't hit the gym much at all. I did go Wednesday of last week. And I made major improvements. I was able to do 25minutes on the elliptical and hit some machines. Felt like a return to form. I over  did it on the l...

I didn't recover from Sundays blow. I started to eat off track and more often, things I shouldn't have. Slowly old habits started reforming. I had some cookies, a whole package, been taking meds later and later, mind slipping to even bleaker thoughts. I was up 24hrs. I see the signs of total relapse, the skipping medication, and not drinking my water are major indicators. I'm going to attempt to stop this.  But as of this writing I don't feel good about my prospects. 500lbs could be in my future. I got a new water bottle that same infamous Sunday, held 67 ounces. Loved it. ...Left it at an appointment Wednesday. I really beat myself up over this for some reason. It just made me a lot more enthusiastic about getting my water in and actually showed the water ounces on the side. I gained 5 lbs over last weekend, I knew it was water weight but it still sent me into a mental spiral. I knew I should not have looked at the scale. I've been feeling weak, tired, joints ...

Sunday I went to the outlet mall with a friend and it was anything but ideal. I don't normally go to a place like that but for some reason I decided to go that day and it was almost a worst-case scenario type of deal. I was definitely getting some pretty hard and very obvious stares at me, some people were just being outright rude there were two separate incidents with groups where there was one single person who was just staring at me and then they turn to their friends and whisper something and the whole group would turn tolook at me. I just pretended like it didn't bother me or that I didn't notice and by the time I got out of that whole mall I was just kind of ready to deflate. It was just an awful experience and I really haven't had one that bad in... really years and its just you reminder of how far I've fallen from grace and how no one really knows what you're trying to do. I remember  saying this years ago probably, on this blog and also to my ...

Today  Yesterday was another scheduled appointment with UC's weight loss surgery team/program. I've already stated how I felt going into this appointment after just last month being told I gained so much weight my insurance would never approve it (if presented). So how'd it go? You decide. First thing first. I had to get weighed-in. Like all my appointments since my last visit I've turned away so I couldn't see the results, thus I haven't known what if any progress I've made. I just know I felt the drive in my bones again. So I sat in a room for a bit then the doctor who I seen last time came in. I wasn't there to see him. The lady I was supposed to see was very backed up with clients and he was free. The first thing he asked me was what have you been doing the last month? I ask him what does he mean. He's looking at a laptop with my information on it with a flabbergasted expression. He says, like with meals and stuff you've lost 24lbs in a m...

Today wasn't a good day. Persistent intrusive thoughts plagued me. My energy dipped and stabilized and dipped again.My mind began to wonder, is life worth all of this? Will there ever be a time where I look back on thoughts like that and wonder how I could have ever been that way? PTSD was mildy triggered today, but it often is, but today it really bugged me, dealing with the heightened anxiety and hyperawareness because someone decided to come knock on our door after 9pm. It was just my brother and his fiancé, but I wanted to scream. I'm so tired of these little panics over small things like this. Sudden loud noises send me into the same stage. My friends have always thought it was funny how easily I'm scared, I've never bothered to tell them the deeper meaning. Anyways this is just bugging me today more than usual, I've been dealing with this for about 15 years now so I manage, but sometimes on top of other things its a bit much! Today I took out the trash an...

I haven't blogged in a week+. Things are still in track, not sure what was with the mini break. I guess I just felt all written out. Last Friday I seen my psychiatrist, she was very pleased with my developments. I have not exercised much at all. This week so far, just one day. I haven't been eating a lot and I honestly feel it throughout my body so I've been trying not to over do it  In the past this is the exact type of thing I'd be reaching for, but no! I met with a longtime friend of mine Wednesday. I dont get to see her very often she's always busy, teaches and lives out of town. She bought me a new fitbit! She gets them 50% off at Verizon because she knows someone there. Or rather that person gets 50% off but uses it for her. I look up to her quite a bit, her life while hectic, seems so interesting and full. Hit the store yesterday I just needed more oatmeal (but also got yogurt, chips, milk) and it was tough. They had the store littered with triggers. ...

Today I'm feeling bitter and emotional. Not at myself but at other people and their actions. A friend if mine was very short with me for a week and it didn't improve over the last. I'm just completely removing myself from that situation. Really though it's my two friends who are dating but I basically only talk with one of them unless I go over there. The relationship is toxic and she knows it and I believe resents me for being honest about it, and despite being torn down and emotionally broken time and time again, won't leave. Meanwhile, he is steady gaining weight. He is nearing 500lbs. I hear he goes to workout sporadically. I find this odd because he has never asked me to join. Hes never been consistent, but it bothers me considering I was not shy about how far I'd fallen. Another problem is he idolizes these guys from his work. But they are piss poor morally human beings. Types of individuals I'd never associate with. Because I have principles. But ...

Sugar Addiction Today we'll talk about my sugar addiction. Its no secret that I have a binge eating problem, and the root in recent times is all things sugar. The last few years I definitely lost control over my will to remain in a healthy relationship with these types of foods and I returned to very unhealthy coping mechanisms, so sugar became a Mainstay of my life again very recently. Last year I definitely snowballed out of control. I could eat anywhere from 3000, 5000 or 10000 calories in sugar a day and then do it all again the next day, and the next, and the next. The reason could be that I'm upset or happy or that I'm bored or perhaps I'm celebrating whatever it may be,  once I'm  eating a trigger it just keeps coming. Stopping that is really the issue, and I find that very hard to do. I don't eat  for hunger, that I know. I've binged before with absolutely no appetite, hell, even during some binges I've been bored. I most recently...