Worry, And Fear

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I was attempting to find a exercise video tailored for the obese on YouTube, so I did a search for obese exercise and found some things that just brought me down! I cant seem to escape that fact that I am huger than the average huge guy, I seen several videos where large men were on the floor doing all these exercises that I simply can not do, and its frustrating. I'm really just grasping how large I am. In my searches I found a video with the guy from the sitting exercise video. So I checked it out, he too was doing some things on the floor, but I'm over that, what bummed me out was learning that he had lost about 60 pounds, and gained it all back, he attributed it to working  a lot, and a neck problem.

This just really hit me hard, because 60 pounds goes a long way, and to think that he lost it and gained it back is just discouraging. It makes me think that it could be me, I may never even make it to 60 pounds before falling off the journey. And I have to just say, it sucks not knowing if I'm actually losing! I know we all seen the picture, we know something was lost, but how much? It sucks being so big that the stores don't carry scales to carry your weight. It really blows playing the guessing game. If I gained a pound, or two, or three, honestly Id rather know, than not, but that's how it is right now. I can only get a scale that supports my weight online and as it stands I cant afford to do that right now.  I didn't mind this at first, January I could have cared less, but now I just feel like I'm walking blind.

Ive already lost so much momentum this month, maybe its in the air, I noticed some of my favorite weight loss YouTubers who were updating daily, or bi-daily, or weekly even, in January, are now slowing down. I used to always be able to check my subscriptions and be able to watch a video. Now there may be a few to start at the beginning of the day, and a few at the end, but its nothing like before, and even this is discouraging for some reason. Am I overreacting or are things falling a part?

I cant fathom another year of no progress, I cant fathom another year of being miserably, gaining weight, and just the same old same old. I cant. I cant! And yet here still I'm losing motivation, losing enthusiasm, losing sight, and so early in at that. Its funny isn't it? I (sometimes) feel like I'm not strong enough to endure the lengthy process its going to take to get where I want, and yet, I know I don't have the strength to go back!


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