Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Mom made a huge pot a vegetable soup yesterday and it's delicious. A great way to start the month I think, no? We have a least a couple days worth left, well at least two more, it tasted even better today.  Maybe this is the month of soups and chillis? It actually sounds greatly appealing, more so than pizza, my Achilles-heel, which I haven't really wanted, but I haven't really n ot-wanted. I haven't wanted anything which is kind odd I think. My oldest nephew (15) was supposed to make a brief visit today (but didn't), he has been having more trouble with school, and not doing home work, or even mentioning that he has it. He is more worried about looking hip and cool , very much sounds like "typical teen" but it is rather disappointing, I didn't so much have that need be hip and cool as a teenager, being morbidly obese kind of sidelined that, I certainly wanted to be popular though, thinking back I had a lot of prespective because of my obesity. Somet...

The weekend draws near, and guess what, it's official, it's October, a bittersweet month for me. I loved Halloween as a child in spite of my weight, you see my size limited my option of costumes and mostly I did not dress up at all. I remember when mom made this big elaborate robot costume out of cardboard boxes, it was so uncomfortable but looked pretty darn cool. It was one if the last true costumes I ever wore. I was probably 6 or 7, it took what seemed like hours to create that thing we were very proud of it though. As I mentioned though, my weight caused issues with dressing up, so later I mostly opted for nothing, or a simple single mask. I used to love Halloween for many reasons the free candy, the school parties, the Halloween specials of my favorite tv shows, but it began the kickoff before my favorite holiday Christmas. I would start my Christmas list around now. Really though I loved watching scary move marathons, as well as the less spooky, more family oriented...

Lets get straight to it. Last week I was 448.2 pounds, this week I am 444.8. Down 3.4 pounds. I discovered yesterday that the psychiatrists office called Friday at some point and left a message. For whatever reason the phone didn't ring, anyways, it wasn't until yesterday that I discover that my FREAKING MONDAY APPOINTMENT WITH THE PSYCHIATRIST HAD BEEN DELAYED YET ANOTHER WEEK!!!!! I'm at my whits end on this situation, I think this is number 5 or 6. I like my psychiatrist even though I've only seen her a total of maybe 3 times since having to switch from the previous because of the infamous...   incident . I didn't have these issues with my last one however! I don't want to have to consider looking for a new psychiatrist, I really don't. The very idea gives me anxiety, but if they somehow have some need to push back yet another week, I think I'll have no choice. I did make it to my primary doctor today,  blood pressure was perfectly normal. I men...

Spirits have been up lately. Eating has improved. I'm feeling overall rather good, however I'm still not using Myfitnesspal , soon though. I can still tell I may not be eating enough, which seems odd I honestly felt like I ate a lot yesterday until I woke up this morning feeling like I could actually feel gravity against my skin physically . Yesterday I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, had a fruit cup of tangerines before lunch, then for lunch I snacked on some chips (I know, I know) it was an individual bag worth 4 servings and I ate all of them by dinner, and for dinner I had beef meatballs with potatoes and green beans. I only opted for 3 meatballs, I considered maybe more but I thought, no, this is enough, they were a moderate size, and the green beans and potatoes covered the plate. Still this was the biggest meal I had eaten all week, but I'm getting back on track. I really need to get out of the house. I have been quite the recluse lately. Aside from appointment...

Today was a mild day, had my appointment with the dermatologist. They were packed, I've never seen their office full like that before, in fact, the nice older ladies next to me made the same comment, apparently they had been waiting awhile. Somehow the older ladies  next to me made the experience a nice one, in fact the only anxiety I had was when thinking about being called back, and having to walk in front of that sea of people. There was something very charming about the older ladies next to me, I could tell they had been  friends a very-very long time, they were cracking jokes, and just having some lovingly banter that I truly enjoyed. I remember one asking "I wonder if they serve lunch" I just giggled,I enjoyed that little gem like it was the prized punchline of a seasoned comedian, and then I thought, that's what I'd like, to grow old some day and to have friends to accompany me to appointments or wherever, to keep things fun and interesting. It seemed as ...

Therapy today went pretty well, was definitely a great session. Physically I'm doing poor, Im not eating enough, it only dawned on me this morning when I was taking my shower and it was the worst experience ever, it reminded of the that time I went walking at the park when I was eating too few calories and had to call it quits. I had been noticing ever day this week everything just feel extra painstaking, little, normal, regular things like shower, but today it was just the worst. I had that sick feel in my stomach, the weakness in my knees, and the fighting against Gravity thing going on, not to mention I was dizzy. At first I couldn't figure it out, then I realized that yesterday's meal didn't add up very high (I didn't use myfitnesspal, and haven't been using it)  I suddenly realized that if I had catalogued everything into myfitnesspal based off of what I knew from the past, my entire day's meal was less than a thousand calories, probably around 600-80...

Ive been rather sleepy today. I've been sleeping or napping most the day, my mood seems calm. I've been thinking a lot about future-self/ideal me again. He doesn't seem impossible to obtain anymore, but I realize my image of him is very precise, I have a particular hairstyle, and I am skinny, 100% skinny, not a "healthier weight" or (finally) just noticeably smaller. I'm completely skinny. Skinny and toned, well not so much toned, actually I can't say for sure if sure toned is right, but I look great in "skinny guy clothes". I weigh 448 pounds, the guy I envision, he looks like he weighs like 180 Pounds, the road to get to him looks so long in light of my recent yoyoing. I need to spark the the fire. Speaking of future-self/ideal me, my therapist wants to see the post I wrote about him several months ago. She originally wanted me to write up how I seen my future if I lost the weight  and I told her I had already did a piece like that on the bl...

Well now here is a surprise, the weigh-in wasn't the disastrous nightmare I anticipated, in fact, I'd go so far as to say it was good, so let's get to the numbers. Last week I was 450.6 pounds, this week 448.2. I lost 2.4 pounds. I'm surprised. It's not like I was overeating last week, but I thought I was eating a lot of high sodium things that might lead to gain,truth is I probably could have doubled or tripled that number if I was eating more sensible, but I'm quite pleased, I didn't set a bad precedent for 3 bad weigh-ins straight! My psychiatrist appointment got moved back to next Monday at 12:30......... Are keeping track how times this appointment has been changed! I didn't find out until I was in the office though, that was fun. 4th times the charm? -_- This weeks agenda, schedule an appointment with my primary doctor (I really need to already), clean my room, eat more vegetables, cut out chips, blog everyday ( I've been skipping days as y...

Sunday has arrived and an uneventful weekend nears its conclusion.  I think I'm going to cut my beard/sideburns, my hair in general is out of control but my beard is particularly crazy. Its just that  if I cut it.. It exposes my round obese face, it's a double edged sword I'm wielding here it seems. Psychiatrists appointment tomorrow morning. Tomorrows weigh-in is expected to be bad, and set a bad precedent. Three consecutive  weeks of poor weigh-ins. I started watching weight loss bloggers on YouTube again. I've only seen a few videos. They haven't gotten me back into gear, but I feel a familiar stir inside that could be a good sign that my second wind is coming.

I'm still in my uncertain zone,  therapy yesterday went okay, but it took everything inside of me to just go. I wanted it skip it. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist Monday, speaking of appointments, yeah I never made that appointment with my primary doctor. I've really been dragging my feet about it, then again that's been the case for weeks now. The week is nearly over,  which means a weigh-in isn't too far away, honestly we are in for another disappointing week. I've been trying to get out of this mental  state I'm in, find some motivation, but it really feels like I'm battle a war against myself. As of right now no plans for the weekend, my room is a mess, I'm not sure how it got to this state so fast, clearly I'm just overall in decline, it wasn't that long ago that I de-cluttered it, now it's a full blown mess. Still a chance for that second wind, I hope. Things will surely get better.....

I've been irritable the last two days and I'm not quite sure why. I hate being irritable, I'm very conscious of it after the fact. I hate how irrational I feel, I have no idea what could be the cause or trigger of this. It might just be the fact that my mood in general is crummy.  I'm just not very motivated, and I wouldn't say I'm down but, yeah I'm kind of down. Future-self/ideal me seems more and more like a fantasy I've been indulging too long in seeking. I really dont know why I feel this way, maybe it's because I fear I'll have issues with myself after the weight is gone. I really don't like me and those old journal entries from last year I rediscovered last week really made me think  that my issues may be a lot deeper, though I'm certain it all stems from the weight. My obesity blossomed into a subconscious self hate that probably started when I first started gaining as a child. Now it seems like simply losing the weight won't ...

Well I called it, it was an unsavory weigh-in. Yet  another week in the 450s. Last week I weighed 450, this week.... 450  I maintained... Well technically I gained. As the actually numbers went from 450.6  to 450.9.  So I gained .3 pounds. I'm cutting out sweet snacks, I've been munching on a lot of high calorie sweet treats lately, they add up the other day I had chocolate pie that was 1 serving 500 calories, two months ago I would never have touched such a thing! I'm cutting them out. I also need to get back to eating veggies every single day, and eating more baked meats. I got to be careful about sodium, though I need to at have the calories it's the salt that seems to be my biggest issue. I seem to be prone to water retention and some of the things I've been eating have had triple the suggest sodium for an entire day. What's worse is the calories aren't as high. Im still addicted to chips, they are my Achilles heel. I said I was cutting them out we...