Brandon, Who Lives At Home

So I mentioned Monday that there was a chance that I might go to the gym, but that I was severely anxious about it. I'm proud to say that after I battling with myself all morning  on whether I'd go or not finally I decided once I realized that the anxiety I was feeling would likely not go away if I did not go, as I would take on new levels of anxiety and regret for not going. Monday we set off to planet fitness, my anxiety eased abit until I seen the parking lot was quite packed. We found a spot and made our way in. They took our pictures and then we made our way to the main area, straight to the treadmills. I wasn't sure how long I was going to do, but my friend convinced me todo 30mins, which I set to cardio. This is different from my home videos because obviously I can adjust my pace at any time if I want to slow down, or even stop for a moment I can, but now I'm on a treadmill for 30 consecutive minutes, this is new. I did notice however.... There was a weight ...

The last week was interesting. I did by best to make good eating choices overall. I house and puppy-sat for my friends while they went out of town for the weekend and that was a mini adventure. My friends actually made sure I had healthy food alternatives to eat as I made it a point to let them know that I tend to gain weight with every visit, there was still an abundance of junk food in the house, but now there were healthy options, which I stuck to, such as grapes, baked chicken, steamed veggies etc. My friends brought me back a couple souvenirs from there getaway one being peanut butter fudge, they were worried that I wouldn't eat it, but decided to get it anyways. I had a few bites and decided I'd give the rest to my mom, which I did and in hindsight I regret because only now do I remember her doctors are wanting her blood sugar to come down, and they switched her medicine. Last month after telling my nutrionist how I switched to sugarless cereals like Cheerios, Kix and C...

I gained. Just decided to come right out with it, didn't feel like dragging it out my anxiety is high enough as it is and I don't feel like tiptoeing around it! So yes I gained weight this past week, last week I weighted 414.0 this week I weigh 414.4! Yet another week I've gone in the wrong direction.  It's my fault, I didn't exercise like I should have, and I went to my friends on Thursday and they ordered pizza and I had 3 slices, I immediately knew that pizza had the potential to screw up the entire week. I also knew that I could counter act the pizza by exercising when I got home, but I didn't.  I could have refused the pizza, but I didn't have the willpower. I take full responsibility, that being said, I'm not liking how things are going this year in general. I know I'm dropping the ball.

My lab results came back mostly good. Blood pressure and cholesterol are good. Still no signs of diabetes, the kidney function has improved since last time but isn't 100% were the doctor would like it to be, however, my doctor believes  improvement is good and that and will continue to improve, and the theory now is my kidneys may have been effected by the time I had severe high blood pressure and wasn't being treated, which went on for a least a year. In other news I have to get an MRI on my right knee,  the  knee has been an ongoing issue and I'm almost fearful of what the the MRI might say, or what what the doctor will suggest I might need too do as I'm quite sure it's a ligament issue that will not resolve on its own.

After Last Weeks devastating weight-in, I've been pretty nervous about what numbers might be on display when I stepped on the scale today. Last week I weighed 419.4lbs, this week I weigh  414.0, I lost 5.4 pounds. I'm pleased that didn't gain, but I must say something just feels off about still being above 410 (considering that's my peak low). I feel like if I had been on the same pace I had been prior to the weight gain I'd be in the 300s this week. I guess this is still a victory, I'm not doing enough though. I need to add back in my indoor walking regularly. Last  week I cut myself off from hanging with my friends, there is too much junk and temptation food over there Got back to getting in my veggies everyday Chicken and fish were the main meats of the week Seen my nutritionist Redid lab work for my doctor. Which I should be getting results back for any day now.

Title says it all. I stepped on the scale today and  stood there in disbelief for awhile after realizing I not just gained, but gain the most weight since the week of every-day-pizza eating when my grand mother pasted last year. The scale said I gained a staggering 9.4 pounds. There was Super Bowl Sunday which I let myself indulge, but I didn't go crazy, but the whole week was sloppy. I spent a lot of time at my friends, where there is a lot of junk food,  I ate a lot of chips throughout the week and sugary snack treats and things that were probably loaded with trillions of milligrams of sodium and fat, but I didn't seem to care. I wasn't paying any attention. It was like I was on eating vacation, I was still cautious not to overeat, but that was about it. I especially dropped the ball with water. Had a couple canned sodas which is totally unlike me, I don't like giving calories to fluids (that aren't  soy-milk, orange juice, apple juice etc, and I rarely drink thes...

If you remember from last year my friend Melissa was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and had to under go a rather serious procedure to  have her thyroid removed and hopefully remove the cancer entirely, in addition to have a future radiation treatment. Well she had the surgery and it went well, she still has to do the radiation treatment. However Melissa had a history of anxiety and since being diagnosed with cancer it only intensitfied, she became quite paranoid that everything going on with her body might mean she is dying was new illness or cancer. It mostly turned to be nothing. She did have some complications post-procedure though,  a blood clot being the most serious. Recently unfortunately she got diagnosed with another form of cancer, lymphoma which effects the the blood. It was ust was discovered this year, her doctors are hopeful that they can take care off it along with any remaining cancer from her thyroid with radiation which she still has to get  treatment f...

I've yet to make it to the gym. My friend has been working a lot. He is actually working too much, so much so it is causing problems with his relationship with his girlfriend. As for me, I had a suspicion I should not rely on him to much for going to the gym, in fact, I'm pretty sure for the first time in our friendship I'm below his weight (this also marks the first time of any friend for that matter) but he has actually been putting on weight lately. Anyways I'm going to have to figure out an alternative to the gym, or maybe look into getting my very own membership. I was excited about the prospects about what the gym could do for me, but the issue was I was putting my eggs into someone else's basket who isn't serious about weightloss. I'm looking into my options.

Remember this? It's been updated accordingly. It was actually mentioned the first time I posted this that I should  consider redoing it with my original weight of 535. I considered it for a bit and decided I would rather not. Im not in a good place about being out of the 500s, mostly because the 500s and 400s have felt the same.

It's the day now a couple days after the Super Bowl, my friend had his annual party, and I again attended. This year there was a lot more food and pop on the menu (I stuck to water), I had some cheese dip, some chili dip, some quesadillas, and some boneless bbq chicken things. When I got full I was done for the night. I ate breakfast that morning and saved roomed the the days festivities. My friend got a new car. It wasn't too long ago, like just a year ago that he got the SUV the he has had, the Ford Edge. Now he has Ford Focus 2016. When I found out he was switching from an SUV  to a regular car I got little anxious,the idea of having to cramp inside a smaller vehicle  wasn't at all appealing. Ive had so many, bad, and awkward experiences with cars because of my weight throughout my life I couldn't help but envision something from the past repeating.  The new Focus was surprisingly roomy. Driving in cars with no discomfort, this isn't something I'm us...

I suppose it may have looked like the blog was in limbo judging by my last post, afterall, I did say I was considering closing it down, and for awhile I actually was. Then I decided not to pull a Josh, and have my blogged ripped from the interwebs, certainly not without a goodbye. I did have a lot anxiety about entering the new year, and gaining that holiday weight didn't help matters. My therapist convinced me not to weigh in again until January 18th, because I dealt so poorly with  (and perhaps irrationally) Xmas weight and I still had New Years, and a Birthday to come. Reluctantly I agreed. Initially I wasn't planning on taking the month of January off from blogging, but my new years started off awful. Literally new years day an even transpired involving a nephew of mine and it challenged everything in me, it is still challenging everything in me now. I knew I needed to stay away from the blog for two reasons one being because I wanted to vent about the situation, but I s...

Crash and burn I gained 3.4 pounds. Last week I weighted 427.8, this week 430.4 . Going back into the 30s is quite the devestating blow. Last week I did decide to go to the Christmas dinner after my mom stopped just short of begging me to go. It wasn't a complete nightmare, but as usual I felt out of place. I've always had the alien family feeling. I watch as everyone else interact, how they relate, were there humors align, where there general chemistry is. I just have not ever felt like I belonged there, when my brothers are there, they fit in perfectly however. The only moment that truly got my anxiety going was when of the two uncles asked my mom while we were we the dinner table, the same dinner table that I was at and only a few seats away, If I had attended my other grandmothers funereal, and mother started to answer and I finished for her and said "no I didn't go." He literally asked the question just like this "did Brandon go to his grandmas funera...