Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Today was a rather loaded day. Knowing that it would be my last visit with my nutritionist had me doing some reflecting this morning and last night. When I had first begun seeing her I had just taken on some dangerous eating habits that easily put me in eating disorder territory, after meeting with her I began to re-frame things more, and broke those crazy low-hundred calorie intakes I was doing. All while learning more about nutrition and healthy eating habits. Me and Mary Dietitian/Nutritionist  She's definitely been one of my greatest and most enthusiastic supporters, which in the beginning was a bit of a pain, but I've always felt like she's gotten it . She's told me of issues some other overweight patients have as a result of their weight, but also the hard time they have trying to lose weight, and it really puts things into perspective. In the 11 months I've seen her I lost weight consecutively throughout, it's dropped every time I've seen her....

It's a new week, so much unfolded last week that Im just glad this is a new week. Although something in me is saying, no, this span of time is no different than the supposed week before it, it isn't in fact new, there are no weeks! Yeah, Im in a weird mood. I think a lot of things are catching  up with me. Dog sitting wasn't a complete nightmare, but just a poop cleaning bonanza, which wasn't a blast. I survived it, Belle of The Ball remained as charming as ever, the new hellion dog revealed a few cute quirks of its own... Im still not a fan. There was nothing but junk food in the house over their, and I indulged a bit in stuff I should not have, there is usually temptation over there but it isn't typically all or nothing. Today I weighed-in, I only worked out two times last week, dumbbell workout and the gym one day, courtesy of my friend. The second planned day of going didn't pan out, and I just dropped the ball with exercising, The planned cize workout f...

So much has suddenly taken place this week. I found out that one of my nephews was being put in a negligent situation that could have had serious repercussions. It bothers, it saddens me it angers me, but the situation is being handled and he is no longer going to be put into these situations as custodial rights have changed hands, and won't be reset until someone both admits their selfish problem and gets help. Vague, and dramatic I know sadly that's as much as I can share as far as non-detail details go. I learned a friend of mine this week has been really depressed and is really struggling with recently having turned 30 and not having figured everything out and worries of never having happiness, he has isolated himself pretty much and doesn't do too much interaction out of work. It was sort of like suddenly being splashed in the face with glass water, but there were some interesting parallels to my life and the way I've either gone about thinking or went about thin...

There has been unexpected turbulence, some shocking revelations recently came to light threatening to completely overwhelm me (but hasn't). I must be vague for now, but a stealthily family operation is being staged soon to intervene. My anxiety gets high thinking of it,  but I also get very angry, and sad, and scared. More on a later date. My friend did in fact keep his word and we made it to the gym Tuesday, after taking several weeks off from my routine I was humbled, luckily my friend refused to do the 60mins I had previously come accustomed to so I agreed to do 45. It beat me down. 10 mins in I thought what in the world is this!? Typically I don't start feeling like diving off until I'm 30mins in, it's amazing what breaking routine can do. Also I didn't have music which honestly made things a trillion times worse. Me and my buddy started discussing how we were getting our buts kicked, and we ended it 5 mins early (wimps, I know), no additional machines for us...

I had an appointment today addressing those headaches, turns out the doctor thinks I could have migraines and we are going to try a trial medication and see how that works out. Blood pressure was fine, if it turns out to be migraines I think it could be psychosomatic which would lead back to the possibility of maybe my social anxiety being the cause, perhaps effecting me on a deeper and hidden level. I'm just taking so much in, I'm sure none of this makes any sense, but it seems slightly logical to me. Perhaps something to discuss with my psychiatrist next time I see her. I think I may have dissociative coping skills in these situations, perhaps something to talk with my therapist about. Today I'll be doing my dumbbell workout, I'm likely going to tryout the Cize routine midweek, my friend Nick sent me a message wanting to go the gym tomorrow on a whim, luckily he has the black card membership so he can take a guest. I agreed to go. So if this pans out I'll have a...

The reality is becoming more clear that I'm going to have to face moving forward without a gym because of the sneakiness of my gyms decision to take out an annual fee without notice, and the subsequent overdraft charges from my bank have put me in the red. Luckily I'm pretty resourceful and if someone told me the only way I could get to my goal from this point was with a gym membership, I'd have to prove them wrong. I have my dumbells, I have my Leslie Sansone videos, I have my Cize dance workout I've yet to use, I can still go walking before the snow comes. There are countless things available on YouTube, I also have a slant bench that I never intended to use because it  seemed like it was meant for more athletic people like my brother, after all it used to be his. However after dusting it off over a month ago and offering it to my brother I've decided to trying making use of it. I can prop it up against the couch in my room to use it as a flat bench. Actually th...

Writing while listening to music, the new Bon Iver album. While watching one of my favorite YouTubers Dustin Kloeppel's  latest video he was inspired to write while listening to the lasted Bon Iver album 22, A Million . He got the idea from a tweet from another one of my favorite YouTubers Wylie Phenix .  It inspired me to give it a try given how much I've been connecting with music lately I thought this was a great idea.  Dustins video There are 10 songs, I wrote what came to mind per song. 22 (OVER S∞∞N) When I was young and in middle school, it was such a strange time for me. I was a whirlwind of happiness and sadness. I still had my first dog who would soon run away and never be seen again, it was a devastating time, but I had a group of friends I spent a lot of time with playing super smash brothers on the N64. It's interesting how time seemed infinite back then, this was both good and bad. The very next school year in 8th grade things would radical...

So together with the readers of this blog, we begin to enter the next chapter Today I had therapy, it was much needed. Anytime there is time off from therapy I feel it, I had to take last week off because moms kidney stone removal. We touched down on a lot of things, the main focus was me and my disliking of myself and the roadblocks it's creating and how I've realized this in the past few weeks. I know this is truly the final thing holding me back, I knows it's keeping me from being more motivated, I know it's keeping me from being more optimistic, I know it's the reason I tend to beat myself up so badly when I make a mistake or when things don't go well, I know it's a large contributing factor why when I enter my severely dark depressed state I can even consider taking my life, it's the link between seemingly all my dysfunctions. My therapist gave an me one of two options for my homework, both of which are cheesy but for most people they could do ...

"Hey, look up, You don't have to be a ghost here amongst the living, You are flesh and blood And you deserve to be loved, and you deserve what you are given" #weightlossmotivation #weightlossjourney #weightloss #motivationmonday #healthychoices #lifestylechange #transformation #weightlosstransformation #florenceandthemachine #workinprogress A photo posted by Brandon Hall (@brandonwholivesathome) on Oct 10, 2016 at 12:38pm PDT A little Pick me up. This does feel like a transformation.

"So I can rise above this, let it fall away" It seems that whenever I become determined to have a more positive out look on things, I'm almost immediately hit with something that threatens to not just ruin that outlook, but throw me throats first into the dark haze. Saturday I learned that my checking account was in overdraft by 85 dollars! It seems Planet Fitness already took out its once yearly equipment fee of 40 -50$ which I didn't think would be until sometime next year and would be with some kind of notice, nope. Well there was nothing in my account at the time so my bank payed, then they charged me a 30$ overdraft fee and then 8$ continuous overdraft fee last week, and I assume every week they will add an additional 8$ I don't pay it off. Unfortunately I didn't know when it went into overdraft otherwise it might have made this easier to manage. So now I'm at risk of losing my checking account and ironically my gym membership because they actual...

I was strolling through my cloud again, looking for old photo edits to add to my Tumblr when I suddenly realized I had wondered very deep down the rabbit hole, I went down to 2010 and seen several videos that I simply had forgot existed. They were from when I had tried up (and failed) another attempt at being healthy and dieting and recording my progress via YouTube.  I also lived at an apartment at the time that offered a gym for free, it was tiny, but free. I do remember going there early in the morning for at least a week, I remember doing treadmill and some dumbbells, not staying very long. My mom also went. I remember I exceeded the weight of the treadmill its maximum weight was around 350, though I didn't know my weight, I knew I wasn't 350, and after a while the the machine would start smelling of  burned rubber. In the original  clip I was breathing so heavily but to get 15 minutes means I had to have worked up from 5, and 10, so this was quite t...

A strange week begins to conclude. My mom had her surgery to have that kidney stone removed Wednesday (turns out there were two), she was released Thursday, she's in a bit of pain but she's doing well. The procedure went well, she sees her doctor today for a follow up and to have a drainage tube removed. I didn't go to therapy Wednesday. My eating this week has been a mixed bag. I have not been able to get very motivated or stay very motivated. I'm predicting a less than stellar weigh-in come Monday which is not something I'm looking forward to. I've only worked-out three times, all of which were my home dumbbell workout. I accompanied mom to her doctors appointment today. On the way, out of  a train of thought I decided I'm going to stop discussing my issue with how I look, or really , the issue with how I don't see the changes or if they're happening. I think I've gotten the point across, I hate how I look, I pretty much hate me (that...