Brandon, Who Lives At Home

This is how the chart actually looks as of today. I haven't worked out today yet so no check mark  for what is actually the 10th. It feels pretty routine at this point to workout, I wish I had this system going earlier in the year, but better late than never.      Some of my crudely draw emotional illustrations this past week. I did discuss my newer found image issue with my therapist last week, as well as showing two of the above creations. It got into some interesting discussions, the point being that I'm in heavily distorted thinking and it's just sort of snowballing it seems, and I'm not recognizing it. Which is pretty easy in this case since I'm so hard on myself anyways. So we are back where we started personal growth wise, we've gone backwards, way backwards actually. Now I try to reform myself again for the umpteenth time. On the bright side eating has been pretty solid, and I've worked out every day since last Saturda...

So I have a somewhat new unhealthy thing to dislike about myself to dwell over and it's this, I've come to the seeping conclusion that I'm ugly. Not that I ever thought I was a knockout before, but now I'm really noticing my hideousness. It all started when  realized there really isn't a single picture I actually look "good"  in and I thought maybe it's because I don't  actually use my dslr, except that one time for FaceToFace and I looked hideous. So I thought I'd try taking some pictures and I was horrified. I'm ugly, I'm completely unfortunate-looking , in fact I was less of a mess when I was much bigger. Maybe it's because I just didn't give a crap, and I already expected to spend my life alone, plus my fake smile was so convincing. Anyways this newly intensified insecurity throws a bit of a curveball at my weight loss  journey as it's already being pummeled plenty. As I think of results and if or whether they are happen...

💁‍♂️ #facetoface #friday #losingweight #weightlossmotivation #weightlossjourney #facetofacefriday #weightlosstransformation #weightloss #healthandfitness #healthychoices #weightlosssupport A photo posted by Brandon Hall (@brandonwholivesathome) on Dec 2, 2016 at 6:19am PST The photo on the right was taken quite a long time ago, during my peak recluse phase. 2007 area, I rarely left the house at all and gained an enormous amount of weight. Still, this wasn't peak weight territory.

It's the first day of the month, it's also the last month of the year. I've  rebounded slightly in mood. Ive yo-yo'd in feelings about next year. My oldest brother is suppose to come down and visit for a week around Christmas, I have mixed feelings about that. I just keep feeling like I should have lost more weight, my other brother didn't make a comment on my weight  until recently (and it was in the form of  a question). Well the goal is to make this month the most active month of the year, I already mentioned the challenge my therapist gave that I started, that had me doing 1-3 indoor miles a day for two weeks. I opted to do the three miles, which made it the longest set of days in a row I've ever done the 3 mile workout. Needless to say my endurance for the workout has grown quite a bit. Acne In early to mid November I had a sudden explosive acne outbreak of my chin. My face looked more disgusting than usual. I had to go see my dermatologist who told ...

Collarbone definition, and slight, slight , shoulder definition. These areas had no definition at all before, they were just submerged underneath fat. I've trying to gauge whether this was a big deal, but I find myself casually grabbing at the my collarbone and neck.

This makes week 10. My therapist set-up something rather proactive for me recently, a challenge to try to get me motivated or at the very least more active since I've just been sinking lower and lower. So she came up with a two week challenge. I need to do my indoor mile workout, every weekday and make sure I drink my water. Last week was only the first week, this will be the second. I did do the challenge working out 5 consecutive days of 3 indoor miles. That wasn't enough to stop me from gaining though, I went from 356.6 to 357.2, a 0.4 gain. My eating wasn't bad, I had some pumpkin pie from time to time, I had chicken all week, though there were various frustrating non-thanksgiving related temptation foods in abundance, that while I may have dipped my toes in, I didn't over do it, still they were an issue. This makes the tenth week out of  year the that I did not lose weight. 10! GERD A few days ago I had to go to the ER at my mothers persistent insistence beca...

So many ups and downs, I came in to the year on rather poor circumstances, I didn't have great hopes for the year leading up to it from last year, this year has been a shape-shifter. There has been some highs and quite so many lows, there has been some personal growth, and weight loss. I wasn't as successfully as the year before in terms of total numbers lost over the same span of time. A lot happened this year, my brothers were released from  incarceration (which had been something I had anxiety about since early last year), they have actually been the right path and working hard. I came out of the closet. I've been checking in on my father. My friends Nick and Melissa just found out they're pregnant! This year  has passed in a rapid-slow way. It's passed by in an extremely fast way in general too, but on the weight loss perspective it seems things seem longer, (whenever you gain weight, or maintain). If I think of all the weeks I gained or maintained  this year ...

11/6 The  Quiet The familiar sound of no one else being around, just me and my many thoughts to circle around, the  would've, could've, should'ves  , then the daydreams where it seems I'm living some other life I'm thin, I'm smiling, I'm wearing cloths and shoes that suit my personality. There are new friends in my life who I seem very comfortable being myself around. Anxiety seems to be a thing of the past. I'm funny and entertaining. Life is so incredibly different because of making it to the goal weight. These are pretty powerful daydreams I have on occasions, they tear me apart sometimes. You just don't want to return from something like that. There was a lot of quiet in between things this year. 11/7 They Don't Get Me The other day I found myself explaining something to a friend realizing halfway through that I wasn't being listened to, they where hearing things come out of my mouth, but they were so disengage from w...

 

So here we are, it's Monday. Time to weigh-in, after a week of overindulging on calorie packed bakery cookies and skipping on exercising and not to mention Saturday in its entirety,  I have come into this weigh-in with realistic sense of dread. Last week I weighted 357.6. This week I weigh 354.4 . So that actually turns out to be a loss of 3.2lbs. So how did this happen? Well I honestly didn't eat dinner for the last four days, so that probably plays a slight role. Like I said a in previous post I've been in an odd place mentally, and I've taken some steps back depression wise. I decided to skip dinner since Thursday part of it was because I was trying to compensate for the damage I'd already done throughout the week, and another part was just the depression making it too easy for me not to have any appetite. The plan for the week is still to reach R edemption C ove , I'm quite uncertain if this is possible to be honest. I'm quite unmotivated and still men...

Halloween is just a day away, the true candy spreading will commence. This doesn't mean too much to me actually. Unless I'm asked to take one of my nephews trick-or-treating last minute which would be quite the anxiety inducing nightmare, but I would do it nonetheless.  A new week is about to begin and so a weigh-in will be had as well, it's not going to be a great weigh-in, and I'm hoping I use this as added force to move in the right direction I went to see my dad again yesterday, it was a bit of a shorter visit this time, but it was alright, someone else was there when I arrived, which made me a bit reserved, all in all it was a good visit and he seems to be doing pretty well still. I was able to the allow myself to watch the second episode of  Stranger Things over the weekend, that was a breakthrough, I'm not sure when I'll get around to the rest, hopefully soon. Tomorrow is Halloween maybe I'll watch a few then. Friday I attempted to redeem myse...

I'm just a little unwired this week. I obviously have a lot on my mind and I'm feeling the pressure of finding myself, finding  motivation, losing weight, but not just losing weight exiting the 300s, and just being more comfortable in my own skin. I know I'm gaining weight next week, entirely because I took in too much sugar. A few weeks ago I discovered Tim Tams, I didn't know they were sold here, I've seen some of my favorite YouTubers try them when they were visiting Australia, where the chocolatey coookie snack originates. When I noticed they had rather plausible calories, sodium and you get two per-serving I decided to get a package. Over a week or so I made my way through them, eating two a day after dinner, they were the perfect desert, absolutely no guilt.  No risk of jeopardizing the scale. Cate Blanchett eating a Tim Tam, because why not? Also if you haven't  seen Blue Jasmine I recommend watching it, stellar! The issue came when I figured ...