March Is Here, Already?

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Amidst the chaos I hadn't realized we silently crept into March, the 3rd month of the year. Feels like I'm still stuck in February, its hard to grasp the reality of it. February was turbulent to say the least, with each week seemingly become more catastrophic. I'm failing this weight loss journey and that hurt, it hurts me in my core, it hurts me all around. This was the first year in so long I set goals for myself, for the time maybe ever that I truly set out to change my life for the good, for good.

February was suppose to be the month that I really started seeing results, like visually, I was suppose to be able to look at myself and go yeah, I'm losing weight for sure. But that hasn't happened, every little success is surrounded in doubt, because I just cant see it, and if I cant see it, no one else can. Its March, and this month is looking like its going to be absolute hell, I have no idea how I will manage. I just don't know how long I can feel like this, this is the worst its been, maybe ever.

I don't know if I mentioned this in some form late last week, but Wednesday I developed some type of knot in my stomach, it was tense and lightly painful, but it was the discomfort that really bothered me, it got more intense Thursday, and stuck around all through Friday, but was gone Saturday. I believe this was a physical manifestation of my anxiety, and stress. Saturday and Sunday I was fine, but today, knowing work looms tomorrow, I can feel it coming back.

I opened up a bit to my mom about the issues Ive been having lately, and she was sympathetic, but didn't offer me the out I was maybe hoping for, but it was kind of nice to get some of it out vocally. I barely spoke since Wednesday, barely ate until Saturday, but feel my appetite diminishing again. I'm trying to find something to cling on to, some glimmer of hope, a will to live. This was suppose to be the year I changed my life, lost a ton of weight, started living. It feels like Ive only taken baby steps, and I'm now moving backwards

Ive been thinking of my life a lot lately, and what it means or doesn't mean. I'm considering going to a counseling center that deals with people suffering from severe symptoms of depression, and anxiety and things of that nature.

I want to thank everyone for all the support this last week, I seriously don't know if I would have made it out alive without you guys, you truly made a difference. Ive been on, and am still on, the precipice of destruction, but its been almost surreal seeing you guys so concerned, but in that same vein I feel like I'm letting you guys down. I wanted to inspire people with the weight loss journey I embarked on, but I reckon I'm not very inspiring these days. I have been having little thoughts over the weekend though, wondering how amazing it would be if I made it to the end of this year, and seen amazing results, if something changed and I overcame all of this. It would be quite the comeback. Those are delusions more than anything at this point, but what sweet delusions they are.


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