Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I needed a breather. A lot has been weighing on my mind and I just didn’t feel like writing. My eating is up and down and all around. All hope isn’t lost. I need to screw my head back on tightly. I have some new stressors that are not helping with my emotional eating. But I’m trying to manage that better. I’ve been having fast food a lot on the weekends and I’m putting an end to that. It’s been so hot here, I really need a air conditioning unit for my room, but I don’t see that happening in the near future, the 9% inflation hike going on in the US right now  is really taking it’s toll. Stay tuned 

Ive come to realize that depression has many faces, each one a different version.  Two faces years apart could be "the worst depression you've ever had" but present totally differently. It can be high functioning and low functioning. One version you might not be able to get out of bed, you might not shower and you do not a anything at all. While another version you're doing your normal tasks perfectly fine, going to appointments, talking with friends and family, but your depression is as bad as its ever been. It can be confusing, often asking yourself, am I that depressed? Is it that bad? Only for you to go into a sudden 40 minute spell of the most self destructive thoughts, and an impulsive urge to act on them, that you realize yeah its bad. Somehow you overcome it time and time again. Wheres our "x" week token/chip for remaining symptom free? Where are the tokens for utilizing our CBT skills? Wheres the reminder of " yeah, you're doing really good...

510.2lbs . Straight to the point. My weight was up a few. Two weeks in a row. Last week eating wasn't great. The numbers could actually have been worse. After spending two days eating cheez-its do-to that power outage, I really made a go of it after. Mostly processed junk. I ate pretty much everything I was supposed to avoid. I'm over it now and am ready to move forward with that unusual week behind me. I think my greatest issue was sodium and lack of water. A real one-two punch. I suspect that getting my water back in order alone, will help me lose the weight I gained. And eating a set amount of  calories daily will help me drop even more.

I need more. or at least, one. I have great friends, but when I'm having an internal meltdown, when I'm having a total crisis about everything and nothing, when I'm on the verge of ending it all, when I'm feeling insecure and need reassurance, when everything is going wrong, when I have a lot on my mind and just need to talk. There is no one, if I message you in crisis and you you respond 3 hours later, you aren't someone I can go to. But people say this all the time “if you ever need to talk” that’s what they say. That’s not what they mean. I don’t need someone I can access 24/7, that’s not realistic, but it would be nice if I could actually rely on someone. I have to get through everything on my own. Then I have therapy once a week, one day to get an entire week off my chest, while trying to learn new cognitive strategies to help me better deal with these on my own. Its a lot.

Monday threw quite the curve ball on my unsuspecting town and the tri-state area. What I assumed would be a regular mid-day storm, turned out to be one of epic proportions. The wind was roaring, it was lightening, rain pouring, thunder slamming. I could hear our trash can get swept down the alley, and not long after, the lights flickered, and then went off. Everything was off. It was one of the hottest days of the year here and we had no power. Tuesday was a nightmare, constantly hoping "any minute now" the power will be back on. I had nothing fully charged and my phone died the previous night. It was going to be a particularly rough ride. My tablet had 39%, and luckily I had just put the entire series of 30 Rock on an SD for it. That kept me sane, but I had to ration the power. So just a few episodes here and there. Played a game on my Switch called Limbo, but had to ration my time with it too. I tried to literally not-move as much as I could, any movement generated heat an...

    **DO TO A CITY-WIDE BLACKOUT THIS WAS NOT POSTED WHEN IT WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN (6/13) ** Last week I weighed in at 505.8. I was quite uncertain about that number because slightly less than a week prior I had weighed in at 518. Apparently it was in the right area, later in the week I was weighed again at the doctors and I weighed 508. Today my scale says my weigh is 506.4. A slight increase. My eating last week was interesting. I fasted complete days and then had days where my intake was well over my limit. I had Olive Garden for my moms birthday last Monday and over the weekend indulged on Cassanos Pizza. A pizza joint chain in Ohio, they honestly have the best delivery pizza. And I’ve fasted half day Saturday and Sunday. My body isn’t quite sure what to make of this. But I’m still in control and I feel good about the week. I plan on fasting all day tomorrow and maybe Wednesday. Then eating a stricter diet and possibly intermittent fasting as lately one meal has been suff...

Sigh. Sometimes knowing which emotions are real and which aren’t feels impossible. The extreme-ness of this condition is overwhelming. I’m constantly over-reacting internally. My mood playing jump-rope and changing with every loop. Am I a bad person? Does having BPD make me inherently bad?  Yesterday I had one of my signature emotion-based overreactions. A frivolous accident occurred, a slipping of one’s mind really, but I implied the person involved did it on purpose. Granted I was warranted being upset, but part of me knew it was just a simple mistake, but I couldn’t regulate the intense hurt and venom I felt and after calling them out I threw in “you probably did it on purpose!” Why, why did I do that? Now said, unsaid person isn’t talking to me. Even if part of me genuinely did feel like it was deliberate, I used a “you” statement, I know better than that. You statements just make people defensive.  Now I’m stuck between all these extreme emotions, the original hurt and ve...

I mentioned that I fasted in the last post. Totalled out to 35+ hours. Fasting is such a relief because I don’t have to worry about calories, or if this or that food is good or bad. I get to be free of the food burden. The problem comes after the fast ends and eating feels like a crime. Every single thing seems like too much. This isn’t exclusive to post-fast. It’s a something I experience anytime I’m trying to lose weight. It’s as if Ive completely lost the concept of  “appropriate amount” sometimes. It’s either I’m eating too much or too little. I find that middle ground when I’m less invested but soon as I’m into it, boom, this problem rears it’s head. This isn’t a de-railing problem (currently), but it causes me anxiety anytime I think of eating. 

I just finished a 24hr water-fast, currently 27 hours. Not hungry, I plan to resume eating in the morning 30+ hrs in. Brother brought home little Debbie’s, some kind of cream filled brownie thing. I’ve had them before, they are okay. There is something about the icing on those that taste plastic-y. I normally don’t mind but it’s just one of the reasons why I didn’t touch one today. The lack of reward. In other news. My mom and brother are catching a movie Saturday  and having dinner and invited me along. I turned down these things so often in the past  that they stopped asking, so this was surprising. I told them I’d think about it, but honestly I probably won’t. The more I think about myself in that setting I get anxiety. In other, other news. Remember that hot straight friend I mentioned here ? Well he’s been wanting to hang out and I’ve been making up excuses not to. We were supposed to hangout last Sunday but at the last minute backed out without explanation. This Saturday...

  Been an interesting past few days. Ive decided I shall once again start doing weigh-ins at the top of the week. Today I weighed-in at 505.8 and honestly I don't know if that's accurate considering a week ago it said I was 518. Ive been known to drop big amounts early-in like this but I just am not sure if this is right. My last week was Topsy-Turvy, but I did have a experimental weekend. We shall see where we are at next Monday, a week from today. In other news today is my mothers 63rd birthday and we are going out to dinner to celebrate, just me and her. I haven't eaten in a restaurant in 4 years, Ill have to put my anxieties aside and storm through, for mom. Keeping a positive mind frame, this should be a good time, I wont let it flop because of me. I am very grateful to have my mother, and hope to have her for decades to come. We may bump heads, but we always get passed the little things. Weve been through a lot and have gone through a lot but we always get through. Ch...

Am I capable? Is it worth it? The insecurities linger. Am I too old? I’m 34, and I’ve missed so much, is it too late to try to be better? Did I miss my window? Is this it? Is this broken version me, the best of me? Does a better future await me if I just try? You are 34 .  34!   You are 34. You are at the bottom of the barrel. Your mind wanders, you wonder, how come?

How can you want something so badly, and not enough? How is it we can see the errors, see the flaws, see the wrongs and still keep making the same mistakes? What is our malfunction? You don’t want it bad enough, you’re not trying hard enough. SACRIFICE is the word of the hour, the thing which you want, the thing which you need requires sacrifice. You must sacrifice your urges, your comfort, and your self-doubt. Harder even, you must accept your own help and believe in yourself.  In order to meet your goals, you must limit yourself. You have to have the courage. It takes courage to look your self-doubt in the face and over come it. It takes courage  to believe in yourself when you’ve spent a lifetime of doing the opposite. It takes courage to see your short comings and want to better yourself. It’s not just believing, it’s doing. It’s not just doing, it’s believing, and that takes courage. It takes courage to say I am better than this, I am better than what I’ve become, I can ...

The constant onslaught of punches life throws at you reach a crescendo, and everything fades to black, but like a faulty bulb, there’s some flickers, and suddenly the light is coming to give back everything the darkness stole. Life’s a bitch, and then you die… but not every time   ;

“ In 5 weeks you’d weight xxx ” Let’s be real, I haven’t committed to anything other than excessive binge-eating for 5 weeks-straight, in years. But no time like the present to completely flip that on it’s head. MyFitnessPal says in 5 weeks I’d be 499 if I ate like today, which was like s*#+ but below my goal. So we are going to give it a go, 5 weeks of 2,465 calories or less and watch where my weight lands. It’s currently 518lb.

Lets talk about tv shows, or really, a tv shows end. I cry when a show I like comes to a definitive end. There is something so sad about seeing something you enjoy stop. Tv shows can be so silly, especially the ones I get attached to, but being entertained is wonderful, more so if you can be amused and made to smile.  Getting connected to characters, to themes, little running gags etc is a special thing. But eventually it ends, Golden Girls, King Of Queens, 30 Rock, Regular Show, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt are just a few a few of my favorites that ended. I've been watching Bojack Horseman on Netflix lately. I started it a few years ago but quit because depression. I've hopped back on and am loving it but I know it ends and I'm preemptively sad, but I'm happy it's been something I can enjoy when I'm so often in a state of grey. The end of a TV can be a parallel to life, or a demonstration. It’s never easy to see something you love cease to be, in the grand schem...

There are a few ways you can help me in my journey. You can donate an item from my amazon wishlist or you can send funds to me directly via paypal/cashapp.  How will these fund my journey? Amazon Wish List: the items I have on here are to aid me in weight loss and preparation in some way. For instance there are food prep containers for meal prepping entire days worth of meals at once. There are clothes to help me feel more comfortable for going to and being in the gym. There is exercise equipment that is pretty self-explanatory, but obviously such devices would speed up weight loss. There are fitness games to help motivate me during leisure/recreational time. Any of these would be assets. Direct money donations via paypal or cashapp would be used strictly for my this journey and buying what is needed to further aid me at a given time. Any donation is appreciated, but I dont expect anything, and there is no pressure Amazon Wish List Paypal CashApp

It wasn’t a perfect weekend. Saturday was not ideal. Most of my plan didn’t exist that day. I made some addict mistakes, but planned the rebound. Then I realized it’s Memorial Day weekend here in the US. Which means barbecuing is afoot. That means pork and beef everywhere.  I know I’m going to indulge so there is no point on planning a rebound on a holiday known for eating (like Xmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, etc). A former me could have done it, but that me is gone and I have to be realistic. The plan is not to over do it. And hoping there isn’t a lot of  leftovers. MyFitnessPal  gives you a 5 week estimate of weight loss based off of your calorie intake of the day. I plan on going on a 5 week journey to test out if it is accurate. Obviously this will start after Memorial Day, which will be Tuesday. The goal is to be under 500lbs in this timeframe. MFP gave me a nice estimate last Friday that I’d like to see through.

Laying in my bed then suddenly I recognize a familiar tune. Its none other than the ice cream truck. I think "at this time of the year?" "In this weather?" and then I remember its almost june, then I look out my window and see that its very nice weather. I've been in my room so much, boxed in my four walls of solitude and comfort, that I lose grasp that there is an outside world. Living is happening out there, something I may never truly experience. About a month ago I got a random call from a friend, we chatted for awhile about all kinds of silly things. It was nice. He eventually started telling me about another friend of his, V, they've been friends since before we met. He tells me V has basically given up on life, plays MMO games all day, rarely leaves the house, has incredibly poor hygiene, accepts he'll be alone forever, no career prospects, no significant other, nothing. And he doesn't care anymore. He is in his mid 40s. I couldn't help bu...

Two days out from quitting that medication and I already feel about 5x more in control. Today I didn’t  stick entirely to the plan but I did really good in comparison. I did have some oatmeal cookies, I did have some ice cream, but we didnt go overboard. The goal is still to aovid these things but I’m happy with my outcome. I ended my day with a mass of 1,760 calories, out of 3,150. A tremendous improvement. The effect that medication had on me is honestly alarming, and scary, but its gone now, never to return, at least not while my weight is still an issue. Things could change in 150lbs, or not, time will tell.

Ok. Another bad day in the bag, fine. Yes, I ate like a black hole, sucking down everything in its path into oblivion, but all hope isnt lost... for the future. I have to stop listening to the addict in me, the addiction, stop letting it win. Ive been letting it control my life the past several weeks but moreso in the last 7 days. Its like the food is calling to me, but this isnt just a sudden occurance, their is a source, my new mediciation Vraylar is the direct culprit here. I decided on my own to stop taking it, hopefully within a few days it will be completely out my system, or atleast enough so that it doesnt hijack my appetite. HERES THE PLAN We've already stopped the medication, check Abstain from sugar for 7 days, I fear these last few weeks have reawakened the beast of food addiction, in particular, sugar. To off set this I plan to abstain from all sugar for 7 days. A sugar detox if you will Water, drink at least 40oz of water a day. 2, set the notifications of my water-lo...

And with the snap of my fingers, all the food was gone. Today was the worse day yet. After starting off strong by walking this morning, I promptly effed it up by eating an entire pack of Oreos, and row of oatmeal cookies with milk. Later, I had leftovers, that sesame chicken dish from a few days ago, topped off with two strawberry cheesecake ice cream sandwiches. I just felt like I could keep going and going.  Tomorrow I’m taking control, this has gotten out of hand, I’m building my ship to wreck all over again. I must advert the path I’m on, or I will balloon back up to 600lbs for a 3rd, possibly final time. I don’t want to be like this anymore. Another Thanos snap to make it right

Him 😞❤️‍🩹 Oops… I did it again. I’ve become infatuated with a straight friend. He’s so good looking and talented and smart, and driven and cool and outgoing and, and, and… I’m stuck on this imaginary  scenario where he professes his love for me and we ride off into the sunset. He is quite literally way out of my league, and more importantly, he is straight. But even if he wasn’t I wouldn’t stand a chance in this current form. It’s a hopeless predicament, nothing can and will ever come of it, I can only hope I eventually get past it. It just sucks, wanting something, someone you can never have. He is a good friend and I’d never jeopardize it by being incredibly dumb enough to come clean about this, but it really effects my mental health at times. I don’t know if it’s me or the BPD, that has me obsessing over this. Either way, it’s just another rough, lonely road I travel. Me 🤡

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There goes gravity, bringing me down, there goes gravity slowing me down. Reach for the stars but nothing is there, they’re all gone, space is bare. The infinite pool of nothingness seems so meaningless, seamlessly drifting aimlessly, into dark abyss 

Today was one of the better days I've had in the past week. I did have some cookies, perhaps over indulged but I did pretty good overall. Today I entered a bit of a rut thinking about some things.  Belonging, and where Im at. As a wee lad I used to watch the tv show Friends. I loved the sense of community amongst the friends, trusting one another, going to each other with their problems, hanging out, just  relating and vibing. Ive always wanted that, and hoped some day Id have that as an adult. I do have some nice friends, but its not like the tv shows, its not like the movies. People dont want to hear about your depression, they just want it to go away and the moment you stop bringing it up they assume its gone, you're cured. I dont know how many times Ive been talking about something only to discover the person I was talking to wasnt actully listening, Ive actually outright stopped talking mid sentence when I noticed, and they never noticed I stopped, because they tuned out ...

Yesterday was as title says, a mixed bag. The day got away from me pretty quick. Today was another bad day. I ate 12 pancakes, loaded with syrup and followed up with a bowl of cereal, yikers. Dinner was much more tame. Homemade sesame chicken, steamed veggies and rice and two egg rolls. Did not track It seems the big issue is morning. Once morning has past I’m good, but when I first wake up it’s like eat-eat-eat-eat. I’m switching taking to taking the new medication specifically, at night. To see how this affects things

Today has fared better, tho not by a lot. I over did it on bread, 9 slices to make a total of 6 sandwiches. I also had beanie weenies with flaming hot Cheetos and mashed potatoes. Followed up with a little chips n dip. Hmm maybe today didn’t fare better 5k + calories. A worse day in fact. Tomorrow will be the final day of the week, we’ll see how that goes 

Recent medication changes have resulted in my appetite or hunger drive becoming everlasting. I gained 15lbs in 4 weeks. Im currently watching things closely over the next few days. Prior to these changes I was steady losing. Got back down to 500, but have since went up. Its unfortunate how a medication I need and works well for its intended purpose, inckudes this side effect that ultimately voids the benefits because gain will eventually set me back mental health wise. Today I ate: TwO rows of oatmeal cookies, a breakfast sausage croissant sandwhich, tuna nachos (tuna, tortillas chip, salsa, shredded cheese, sour cream) club sub sandwhich, large chocolate chunk cookie. 3k+ calories.

My hair has become matted, locked, and dreaded from no brushing or combing for 6 months… Another year has come and gone, and I am no closer to the goal. In fact probably further from it than I’ve e er been since starting this blog. It’s been a long time now. Visitorship has plummeted, no one is interested in my journey anymore, in me. I suppose in the beginning it was a lot easier, sure I was depressed and pathetic, but I was still losing. What now? I’ve gained it all back and I’m more depressed and pathetic than ever, apparently this isn’t very appealing. Can’t say I blame anyone for losing interest. Mental health has been an ongoing battle I’ve been waging. Losing most times, winning sometimes. I’m 34 now. So much time lost and nothing to show. So many hours, days, weeks, months and years of battling against myself. So many opportunities left blowing in the wind. Now what? And now what!?