Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I haven't blogged in a couple days. One day 3 of my nephews had a sleepover at the house. Fred, Richie and Eden I didn't see these three often this year so that was a surprise they had a good time and I spent the night out of my room even sleeping on the couch and offering up my room to one of the rascal flats. Since Tuesday I've been doing the 4 mile workout, that has been going well, eating has been mostly solid I did slip and have another piece of sweet potato pie, but now the pies are officially gone with my brothers and nephews in the equation they had no chance. Earlier in the week I posted a picture on Instagram that was very well received. So much so that someone  actually re-posted the picture recommending people follow me for inspiration. I've been considering bringing back my Facebook recently, my plan was to maybe do it after New Years, after my birthday. However after that picture happened several supporters wanted to connect there. Someone particularly...

What's going on? So I lost, really that's all I could ask for on the hills of Christmas. I'm now back down to 352.4. I believe one of the weeks where I actually didn't get to log it into myfitnesspal which was literally the only time this year (it was also one of the many weeks I was absent recently) I weighed this exact amount! Maybe not, what matters is how I'm sticking around these numbers. Here is a quick illustration I drew of the situation below. The loop, get it? And Mr. Burns from The Simpsons adds hyperbole   I feel like once I break out of this bracket I'll continue on a trend of steady loss, but getting out of it is  the issue! So we have been in the 350s since October 17th There is a ton leftover ham, Mac and cheese, and sweet potato pie. I've already indulged a bit too much in the sweets Monday and now have to use my patented self-control to further avoid anymore. Luckily with my brother down from Texas (and my ot...

It's the day after one of the most anticipated days of the year and typically one of the most hell raising for me and I'm fine. My Christmas was fine, good if you will. This was a lot different than many before it. Families came, drove in from other states away, spirits were high, people were getting along, and then there was me. There were more people than ever at grandmothers this year, and honestly I have to pat myself on the back because I would not have been able to cope any other year or even just a few weeks prior, but I did, quite well. I later went to another family gathering which my brother insisted I go, he didn't know I had already made up my mind that I was going. This one was a bit more intense just because right as I was walking up to the house I could hear all the animated greetings of people I didn't know from inside and it surged my anxiety as I could not even see them as I had not even entered the door yet. I kept my inner self composed however and...

So Christmas Eve me is upon us, and I've went from dreading it over the last month or so, to where I am now. Which is, I don't really feel a certain way towards it. I had plans to avoid all family gatherings, and I've decided to go to the one at my grandmothers house, as well as one involving my nephews & brother and the other side of the family. I won't know a lot of people at the second one and with my social anxiety it will be a challenge, but I've decided to go for it. All of my nephews be should at that one, also my estranged niece whom my brother is rebuilding his relationship with. My oldest brother is also coming to town so it's going to be really interesting to see how I handle all this. I feel like if I had not had some inner reawakening I would be taking a lot of this poorly in anticipation, but I'm still in my rather serene state. It really does seem like I've shed some kind of shell. Eating this week has been good, I've been wo...

Something powerful has changed within me, I at times wonder " will this pass " and I reset into my melancholy like times before? Something tells me from within " no " it's me. There has been a powerful shift I believe since entering and leaving the Behavioral health facility, a profound change through inner growth from reflection and by facing some realities. Yesterday my brother stopped by to have a talk with me about how I've been doing and to give me a lecture and pep talk combo about why I can't think about doing anything irrational like ending my life and why I must keep on with my weight loss, but not rush it . It was a truly powerful and passionate speech he broke down, then I broke down. He really laid down just how much the family would be effected by the loss of me, it was tremendous. I took so much from this conversation, he said so many things that struck nerves, like how he believed it was my purpose to lose weight so I could inspire and h...

Yesterday Nick and Melissa asked me to help them move. They are moving from their apartment here in town to a cozy little house out of town in the suburbs. I mainly moved boxes, it was lot of  up and down stairs, I was sweating like a cow (because apparently they sweat a lot) and of course the headache came upon likely due  to dehydration from the sweating, which I think is the common link to my so called migraines. I consider the moving my days workout. Melissa picked me up and she had a lengthy talk to me about how much her and nick care about me, I had nick pick me up from the hospital the day I was discharged so they were filled in on my hospitalization. She wanted to assure me I could always come to them to talk, but more importantly they would truly be devastated if any happened to me, it was a very nice reassuring conversation. I've been in contact with one of my friends from the Behavioral health facility. I recently described my current state as serene , which...

So the big question one might ask, did being hospitalized help? The answer isn't exactly clear cut. I'm not magically cured of my depression or anxiety or body dysmorphia, I'm not suddenly at my goal weight of 180 lbs, while I was there in the beginning it all felt a little redundant. Like it wasnt really catering to me, I couldn't quite see what I was to get out of it. I finally started getting  my head together mostly through journaling and there were actually a few group classes that were beneficial too. I also started realizing how much I liked their time structure which gave the day fluidity. Breakfast was at 730am, the first group was at 9 etc. I decided to copy the format  down and structure my days with certain tasks or hobbies at various times to make my days more fluid. Yesterday was the first day of this and it was a rather successful run. How have I been since Ive arrived home? Pretty good, taking it day by day.  I do feel like I'm in a better place,...

I've Spent the last 5 and a half days in a behavioral health facility or psychiatric unit of a hospital after seeing my psychiatrist last Wednesday. In short, I told her I  was suicidal and had a few ideas or plans but lacked the courage for follow-through. This lead to me being taken to the hospital via police transport. For the second time in my life I was in a psychiatric unit of a hospital, but this time it wasn't voluntary. This one was also  quite larger than the last one I had been to, with many more patients. My anxiety was pretty high the first night, I was talked to by various doctors who often asked the same questions what seemed like hundreds of times, and there was this lingering feeling of shame just for being there. Now once again the entire family would know how unhinged I've been, and I'd much rather a lot of them stay in the dark than to know and continue not to give a crap. It was a lot more structured than the Behavioral Health Pavilion, there were...

This is how the chart actually looks as of today. I haven't worked out today yet so no check mark  for what is actually the 10th. It feels pretty routine at this point to workout, I wish I had this system going earlier in the year, but better late than never.      Some of my crudely draw emotional illustrations this past week. I did discuss my newer found image issue with my therapist last week, as well as showing two of the above creations. It got into some interesting discussions, the point being that I'm in heavily distorted thinking and it's just sort of snowballing it seems, and I'm not recognizing it. Which is pretty easy in this case since I'm so hard on myself anyways. So we are back where we started personal growth wise, we've gone backwards, way backwards actually. Now I try to reform myself again for the umpteenth time. On the bright side eating has been pretty solid, and I've worked out every day since last Saturda...

So I have a somewhat new unhealthy thing to dislike about myself to dwell over and it's this, I've come to the seeping conclusion that I'm ugly. Not that I ever thought I was a knockout before, but now I'm really noticing my hideousness. It all started when  realized there really isn't a single picture I actually look "good"  in and I thought maybe it's because I don't  actually use my dslr, except that one time for FaceToFace and I looked hideous. So I thought I'd try taking some pictures and I was horrified. I'm ugly, I'm completely unfortunate-looking , in fact I was less of a mess when I was much bigger. Maybe it's because I just didn't give a crap, and I already expected to spend my life alone, plus my fake smile was so convincing. Anyways this newly intensified insecurity throws a bit of a curveball at my weight loss  journey as it's already being pummeled plenty. As I think of results and if or whether they are happen...

💁‍♂️ #facetoface #friday #losingweight #weightlossmotivation #weightlossjourney #facetofacefriday #weightlosstransformation #weightloss #healthandfitness #healthychoices #weightlosssupport A photo posted by Brandon Hall (@brandonwholivesathome) on Dec 2, 2016 at 6:19am PST The photo on the right was taken quite a long time ago, during my peak recluse phase. 2007 area, I rarely left the house at all and gained an enormous amount of weight. Still, this wasn't peak weight territory.

It's the first day of the month, it's also the last month of the year. I've  rebounded slightly in mood. Ive yo-yo'd in feelings about next year. My oldest brother is suppose to come down and visit for a week around Christmas, I have mixed feelings about that. I just keep feeling like I should have lost more weight, my other brother didn't make a comment on my weight  until recently (and it was in the form of  a question). Well the goal is to make this month the most active month of the year, I already mentioned the challenge my therapist gave that I started, that had me doing 1-3 indoor miles a day for two weeks. I opted to do the three miles, which made it the longest set of days in a row I've ever done the 3 mile workout. Needless to say my endurance for the workout has grown quite a bit. Acne In early to mid November I had a sudden explosive acne outbreak of my chin. My face looked more disgusting than usual. I had to go see my dermatologist who told ...

Collarbone definition, and slight, slight , shoulder definition. These areas had no definition at all before, they were just submerged underneath fat. I've trying to gauge whether this was a big deal, but I find myself casually grabbing at the my collarbone and neck.

This makes week 10. My therapist set-up something rather proactive for me recently, a challenge to try to get me motivated or at the very least more active since I've just been sinking lower and lower. So she came up with a two week challenge. I need to do my indoor mile workout, every weekday and make sure I drink my water. Last week was only the first week, this will be the second. I did do the challenge working out 5 consecutive days of 3 indoor miles. That wasn't enough to stop me from gaining though, I went from 356.6 to 357.2, a 0.4 gain. My eating wasn't bad, I had some pumpkin pie from time to time, I had chicken all week, though there were various frustrating non-thanksgiving related temptation foods in abundance, that while I may have dipped my toes in, I didn't over do it, still they were an issue. This makes the tenth week out of  year the that I did not lose weight. 10! GERD A few days ago I had to go to the ER at my mothers persistent insistence beca...

So many ups and downs, I came in to the year on rather poor circumstances, I didn't have great hopes for the year leading up to it from last year, this year has been a shape-shifter. There has been some highs and quite so many lows, there has been some personal growth, and weight loss. I wasn't as successfully as the year before in terms of total numbers lost over the same span of time. A lot happened this year, my brothers were released from  incarceration (which had been something I had anxiety about since early last year), they have actually been the right path and working hard. I came out of the closet. I've been checking in on my father. My friends Nick and Melissa just found out they're pregnant! This year  has passed in a rapid-slow way. It's passed by in an extremely fast way in general too, but on the weight loss perspective it seems things seem longer, (whenever you gain weight, or maintain). If I think of all the weeks I gained or maintained  this year ...

11/6 The  Quiet The familiar sound of no one else being around, just me and my many thoughts to circle around, the  would've, could've, should'ves  , then the daydreams where it seems I'm living some other life I'm thin, I'm smiling, I'm wearing cloths and shoes that suit my personality. There are new friends in my life who I seem very comfortable being myself around. Anxiety seems to be a thing of the past. I'm funny and entertaining. Life is so incredibly different because of making it to the goal weight. These are pretty powerful daydreams I have on occasions, they tear me apart sometimes. You just don't want to return from something like that. There was a lot of quiet in between things this year. 11/7 They Don't Get Me The other day I found myself explaining something to a friend realizing halfway through that I wasn't being listened to, they where hearing things come out of my mouth, but they were so disengage from w...

 

So here we are, it's Monday. Time to weigh-in, after a week of overindulging on calorie packed bakery cookies and skipping on exercising and not to mention Saturday in its entirety,  I have come into this weigh-in with realistic sense of dread. Last week I weighted 357.6. This week I weigh 354.4 . So that actually turns out to be a loss of 3.2lbs. So how did this happen? Well I honestly didn't eat dinner for the last four days, so that probably plays a slight role. Like I said a in previous post I've been in an odd place mentally, and I've taken some steps back depression wise. I decided to skip dinner since Thursday part of it was because I was trying to compensate for the damage I'd already done throughout the week, and another part was just the depression making it too easy for me not to have any appetite. The plan for the week is still to reach R edemption C ove , I'm quite uncertain if this is possible to be honest. I'm quite unmotivated and still men...

Halloween is just a day away, the true candy spreading will commence. This doesn't mean too much to me actually. Unless I'm asked to take one of my nephews trick-or-treating last minute which would be quite the anxiety inducing nightmare, but I would do it nonetheless.  A new week is about to begin and so a weigh-in will be had as well, it's not going to be a great weigh-in, and I'm hoping I use this as added force to move in the right direction I went to see my dad again yesterday, it was a bit of a shorter visit this time, but it was alright, someone else was there when I arrived, which made me a bit reserved, all in all it was a good visit and he seems to be doing pretty well still. I was able to the allow myself to watch the second episode of  Stranger Things over the weekend, that was a breakthrough, I'm not sure when I'll get around to the rest, hopefully soon. Tomorrow is Halloween maybe I'll watch a few then. Friday I attempted to redeem myse...

I'm just a little unwired this week. I obviously have a lot on my mind and I'm feeling the pressure of finding myself, finding  motivation, losing weight, but not just losing weight exiting the 300s, and just being more comfortable in my own skin. I know I'm gaining weight next week, entirely because I took in too much sugar. A few weeks ago I discovered Tim Tams, I didn't know they were sold here, I've seen some of my favorite YouTubers try them when they were visiting Australia, where the chocolatey coookie snack originates. When I noticed they had rather plausible calories, sodium and you get two per-serving I decided to get a package. Over a week or so I made my way through them, eating two a day after dinner, they were the perfect desert, absolutely no guilt.  No risk of jeopardizing the scale. Cate Blanchett eating a Tim Tam, because why not? Also if you haven't  seen Blue Jasmine I recommend watching it, stellar! The issue came when I figured ...

I've been in that familiar spot about support again, not that I don't have any but I'm just in weird place about general interest. My friends and family don't ask me "how's the weight loss going" general questions like that. When I know someone is interested or dedicated to something I make inquiries about it. That does not happen with me and people inquiring about my weight loss. This isn't distorted thinking this time, also separate  from not acknowledging the weight I've lost , but there is a difference and it bugs me. I'm not going backwards all of a sudden, I just realize I have to accept things the way they are. I also have to accept that outside of my blog and Instagram, my friends and family aren't going to be a particularly great source of motivation (with the exception of the nephews). I get they are proud of what I've done but no one is really pushing me, and I could really use some pushing right now. Generic hollow mot...

Listing the qualities of myself, because over time I've come to believe there is no good to me, that with every pound I gained I lost something in the process. This has resulted in powerful self-loathing that now I'm trying to change,  because of the roadblocks it's creating. Seems one can't hate them-self and continually think nothing but negative things about oneself without it manifesting into a bigger, more real problem. The real issue is progress, and happiness. The last half of this odyssey is going to need maximum efficiency, and consistency. I also need to truly believe in myself and actually value my accomplishments, and value myself. Here are some of the good qualities about myself to remember. Aware I have a mostly good sense of awareness in most situations, I'm certainly not a clueless person. I look, I see, I hear, basically I notice things. My attention to detail is rather good. I'm the type of person to notice when someone's hair is di...