Brandon, Who Lives At Home

What i said last time, forget it. I dont even remember what I said I was going to be doing but it never happened.  I was scheduled for weight loss surgery jan 5th, but changed it. My liquid diet being right at the time of christmas proved to be too much.. Surgery is now slated for February 16th I just don’t know what to do with my time these days. I’m bored all the time, my depression is getting bad I’m eating eating so much, I just don’t understand. I don’t know how much of it is me and how much is the medication anymore but I do know that I need to make a change.  I think the addiction side of things has really been bogging me down, I haven’t  been motivated enough to try to defeat it.  I don’t have a lot of hope for the future I certainly don’t have any New Year’s resolutions. I feel like I’m just existing day to day, this isn’t necessarily a new feeling it’s just that it’s been around a lot lately. I’ve been having these small panic attacks and I get antsy and ne...

Due to a miss calculation. The liquid diet started a day late 

Less than an hour before I begin my liquid diet. I’m not particularly confident at the moment but it’s 2020, it’s better to not be too sure of things.

Everything 

  Tis that time of the year again, Holidays, food, misery. Ive got a bit more on my plate right now and I just haven't come to a conclusion on what todo with it. Im starting a radical new diet plan soon that could either stand by itself or possibly transition into something much much bigger. Ive gone back and fourth on this many times, but Ill just have to see what happens when it starts, which Ive decided the mandatory start date is the 15th of December, not too far away.    In other news my weight is up. 526 currently. This is an all time high for the year. Ive just thrown caution to the wind, and have eaten like Ill never eat again... everyday. Im in full on disaster mode, Im in dangerous territory and I know it. If this next attempt fails, its game over, Ill sky-rocket to 600lbs and will totally have given up and will either wait to succumb to obesity or myself. So I guess you could say the next round is all or nothing.   More frequent updates to com...

So much self sabotage. So much clinging to comfort that isn’t really comfort. How do you change your view of yourself that was built over 20 years ago. Views that were projected onto you and internalized. It’s seems impossible.  I once lost hundreds of pounds, so dedicated and determined to reach the pot of happiness at the end of the weight loss rainbow. I’ve regained it back and have changed, seemingly unable to find that blind dedication again. I once believed I would only be happy once I was thin (180lbs). I still believe that, but the difference from then and now is that I don’t have any hope of reaching 180, I stopped believing it was possible so my drive is never really there. I don’t want to see me succeed, I don’t want to see myself happy. And I don’t want to see myself trying. That leaves me that disjointed comfort, eating to pass the time, eating because I ate so much earlier, eating because I’m sad.  My psychiatrist recently wanted me to do an psychiatric  inp...

I see how I’ve failed. My week has started off horribly. But it’s because of all or nothing thinking. In the end it leads to sabotage. Oh I only lost half an lb!? Screw it, you can’t do this anymore, you’ll never achieve what you achieved from before. And so I start eating recklessly.  I’ve been saying for awhile now how my past success haunts me, but it’s been haunting me differently lately. I used to focus on the weight lost, the clothes I could wear. However lately I’m haunted by the recognition I used to get. The high praise, people telling me I was making them proud, inspiring them, motivating them. That’s all gone now, back then I concluded that these compliments weren’t genuine, but a small part of me liked it. I’ve never made anyone proud like that, I had never really been recognized for anything. I miss it. Weight loss was the one thing going for me, and I blew it.  I’m insignificant again, so sorry for letting everyone down.

Just going to try to move past the last 5 days.

Things have been frustrating. After weeks of being in a caloric deficit I wasn’t getting results. In fact I was yoyoing in the same 4-7lb range. All this while walking daily. This past week as been an off week. I was dog-sitting for friends so I didn’t go walking at the park and my eating wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t great. I did go over my calorie limit by 800 calories one day. My sodium intake the past week has probably been outlandish. I do plan on resuming my walking now that I’m home, but scaled a bit back because I’m going to start doing my 5mile multi muscle indoor walk dvd again. I’m going to attempt 5 small meals a day and see what that yields. In other developments I’ve restarted the process of getting weight loss surgery. I apparently don’t need to redo the entire process. Which was a shock to me, I just have to redo some preliminary appointments and I could be good to go. I meet with my surgeon again next month and we’ll go from there

Postponed until Monday. Less than 24 hours away

Tomorrow Ill be starting a liquid diet. Protein shakes 2-3 times a day. This is sort of a preliminary run for what I'd need to do for weight loss surgery. The truth is Id like to do the weight loss surgery diet without the surgery part, if I can do it with the protein powder I have  this week then Ill give it a 30+ day run. The real goal would be 2-3 months. But that is jumping ahead. It will depends on how this next week goes.

Depression is making a bit of a stronger case lately. My mind wants to dwell and long. Long for this to be wrapped up in a cute little bow, no loose ends. Brandon loses the weight, Brandon takes life by the horns, Brandon makes new friends he can truly be himself with, Brandon peruses a career, Brandon finds love, Brandon is happy. This is what I long for, but that first thing hides all the rest behind it. Beat the game of losing weight and these are the prizes. My mind is still poisoned with anchors of habits that keep resurfacing. Why can I just get the antidote and move on. But the age old question returns. What am I without food, hmm? Being on the right track feels so hallow and tedious without food covering every aspect of my life. Suddenly it’s just for calories and I feel empty. It starts to feel miserable. Then I revert back and that’s miserable too. So the question becomes which misery is best?

View this post on Instagram I’m pooped. I guess I would get that motivation back a lot sooner than expected, like literally the day after. Today I walked the entire track at the park and it was tough I’ll be completely honest and I almost cut it short. When I got to the point where you can cut about the last 15-20% of the track, I almost did. Sun was out beaming and shade was few and far between on the left side of the track. And I forgot my visor. ‘‘Twas not fun, but I got through. I’m exhausted, like totally completely exhausted. I won’t be attempting this again for a bit, definitely not ready to make it a regular thing. But now I know I can do it. A small victory indeed. A post shared by Brandon, Who Lives At Home (@brandonwholivesathome) on Jul 11, 2020 at 7:07am PDT

View this post on Instagram Today was a bit different. Went walking with my mom and normally she does the much shorter route and I go ahead, but today she wanted to try out what I was doing. She made it to a certain point and was struggling so she decided to head back and wanted me to walk with her. So I went back with her and finished with her original route. She had to stop at the benches a few times but I was very proud of her, I didn’t figure she’d even attempt my route for a couple months. It’s interesting tho. Today I was going to try out the full track, but it’ll have to wait, and honestly idk when I’ll be motivated enough to try it now. Oh well. What I’m doing now (except today obviously) is enough tho A post shared by Brandon, Who Lives At Home (@brandonwholivesathome) on Jul 10, 2020 at 8:44am PDT

View this post on Instagram And for z reveal. So the past few weeks I’ve been testing the seas and have ultimately decided alternate day fasting is for me. I was trying a few different methods. I learned that I enjoy not eating as much as I enjoy eating, meaning that I just enjoy not having to worry about eating anything. So with my alternate day fasting I eat a day, fast a day but on days I eat I have an eating window of about 6 hours, then I fast the entire next day, just water, and on the following day eat again, but during the eating window which is 4pm to 10pm. So technically the fast is longer than a day. I realized my threshold is 3 days (of straight fasting)for optimal performance. Obviously I’m not going 3 days, although it was considered, because of course it was, it’s me after all. Truth is the alternate day fasting system I’ve landed on is quite a compromise from what I was really aiming for during my trials. I reasoned wi...

Broke the fast last night, it was a tough decision but I did it. Last night I had pork chops and potatoes, today I had a pupu platter of garbage but I learned from everything. I’ve decided alternate day fasting is the best way for me to go about this. Fast a few days,  eat a few days(3:2). Even though I’m still within  the 24hr period since I broke the fast I’ve decided to count them as two separate days. So last night Wednesday was 1 day itself. So I’m at 2 days of eating. At 4pm EST my fast began again. It won’t be over until 4pm est Monday. I’m good for a solid three days. The first two shouldn’t be as hard now that now that my body and mind are used to it. I’ll be loading up on a ton of protein on my next eating day. I’ll be having tuna, chicken, vegetables fruits, Protein shakes  just really healthy things. I’ve been craving those things and so today when I ate pretty much the opposite of that I wasn’t very fulfilled, I was full but I wasn’t fulfilled so that’s bee...

Day 3 is officially in the bag, it was the easiest yet in terms of cravings. 3/5 complete Report Card: Stayed on track? Yes Biggest issue of the day? Mild lethargy  Feeling? Good Cravings? None Calorie intake? 0 Achievements?  Used Therapy&CBT skills? ... Anxiety level 1-10? 2 Depression level 1-10? 2 Outlook? Positive  Willing to make changes in my thinking? Yes

We did it, 48 hours completed, doing well. Fingers crossed for 72 Report Card: Stayed on track? Yes Biggest issue of the day? N/a Feeling? Good Cravings? None Calorie intake? 0 Achievements? 48hours! Longest of the year Used Therapy&CBT skills? N/a Anxiety level 1-10? 2 Depression level 1-10? 3 Outlook? Positive  Willing to make changes in my thinking? Yes

Report Card:   Stayed on track? YES  Biggest issue of the day? Being offered a delicious looking breakfast Feeling? positive Cravings? none Calorie intake? 0 Achievements? 120oz of water  Used Therapy&CBT skills? not needed Anxiety level 1-10? 3 Depression level 1-10? 4 Outlook? good Willing to make changes in my thinking? Yes

I failed my fast goal, I was just 7 hours away from 48hours and I failed. I ate a meal that was probably less than 1000 calories. That being said I think I need to re-frame the goal to 5 days. Whats clear is I can do 24 hours, but day two through four throws curve balls at me. Yesterday food memory made me quit, I just couldn't stop thinking about Cheez-its. I had some they were good, but not worth breaking the fast. Today I fasted until 5pm and then had a bowl of pinto beans and cornbread. Filling. Im seeing that OMAD wouldn't be a bad Strategy for me after this. One Meal A Day. The main thing Im wanting from this fast is the detox, typically post detox your appetite evaporates, cravings poof, I really need this if Im going to get back on track. I have to lose the cravings. So Friday at 5pm is when this fast should end, hoping I'll feel compelled to extend it. For right now though Im going to break it down into smaller goals along the way, so the first mini goal is...

The first 24 hours of the water fast are behind us, and It went better than expected. Phantom food cravings coming and going, sometimes triggered by sight. I follow someone on Instagram with the user name Bombassmealpreps and he makes all this delicious keto food that looks absolutely to die for. He recently made some cookies that had me rethinking everything. But I moved on, the first 2-3days are the hardest as for as hunger and cravings go, it honestly hasn't been as bad as it normally is, so far. Once you make it past the 3rd day your appetite just turns off.. Pending if you've started the detox, the detox portion can be rough because you lose water and sodium so much more rapidly and thats often where a lot of people throw in the towel. Ill be enduring, the goal is 7 days, 6 to go.

Im beginning a water-fast to kick off my weight loss  I am particularly interested in the detox portion but also the mental rejuvenation that occurs. Im doing a minimum of 7 days, I've done 9 days straight before, which started out as 2-days and keep getting extended. We'll see how I fare with this goal before I start making any claims of extensions. I haven't been motivated to do this in awhile but finally I've gotten the drive I need. Ill be taking a shot (two tablespoons) of apple cider vinegar twice a day with water magnesium and potassium supplements. a sprinkle of pink  Himalayan sea salt for energy purposes regular medications WATER, WATER, WATER

The week started out well and then ended rather bumpy. A  few months back my psychiatrist ordered an ECG because I started Vyvanse a switch from strattera for my ADHD & B.E.D . I dragged my feet about getting it until a few weeks ago. The results, a diagnosis; Sinus tachycardia , non-specfic T wave abnormality, abnormal ECG.  We couldn't go any further up on Vyvanse because of this. I've been ordered to see a cardiologist. This could split into any number of ways. My friend recently gave me her series 2 apple watch, I gave my fitbit to my mom. The apple watch is constantly alerting me of having a high or elevated plus/heart rate, I'm probably going to need to get an a newer one because they have a built in ECG monitor. But of course I cant afford it.  Im stuck in a state of balance, but its getting wobbly, I think I can just turn this around by losing weight, then I think of how far I've fallen. Im back on high blood pressure meds and my heart might be in tr...

The week has been mostly good, eating has been great drinking too, I went walking at the park yesterday and this morning, did my homework for therapy, getting to bed on time and sleeping well, controlled my distorted thinking, watched a movie, and  made a appointment. Bad news is I've lost my keys and cant find them, Im beginning to think they  aren't in the house. Mucho bummero

Steady

Don’t feel great, massive acid reflux flare up has ruined my day, cant so much as clear my throat without acid burning up my esophagus.

Today was a bit harder on me mental health wise. My mind kept wanting to slip back to that familiar dark pit, but I fought it and mostly avoided going backwards. Another day of off eating but calories were 2,100. Yes over the goal slightly but its better than.... yeah I dont know. My moms birthday is tomorrow. Should be a fun day. Its also weigh in day, going to see the damage, stay tuned for that. Overall eating is down  this week considerably and water intake is up by like 1000% so thats good

Today was interesting, had leftover pizza for dinner, a my protein shake for brunch and mostly stayed in good spirits. I realized today the absolute need for losing weight as I noticed everything feels like a struggle, the slightest thing feels like a task, My knees and back hurt. I desperately need to change this course. Finally shop a video today, I'm not exactly happy with it but I dont hate it, but it was mostly for test purposes. Hopefully the next one will be better. We'll see

Almost my bedtime, figured Id squeeze a quick post in. Today was not perfect, I had homemade pizza for dinner( grandmas birthday request) it was divine however, it wrecked my calorie take. I almost recorded a video but I was too lazy to set up, maybe tomorrow. Any suggestions for topics? Anything you'd like me talk about? Please let me know. Therapist said she was proud of me today for all the recent developments, and someone else said I looked "radiant" that was very pleasant.

Today feels like its gone by pretty fast. I drank my water had my veggies, tracked everything. Its been a pretty solid day. I might start taking pics of my meals again. Im not always eating something " diet friendly " but if it fits in my calorie range than its fine. I tested out recording today, just sample audio visual stuff. Think I'm good to go for making blogs. or dare I say, mukbangs. This was today's dinner, I was craving noodles. This was teriyaki beef chow mien by Nissin , I added in one tuna pack, a cup of mixed broccoli and cauliflower and topped it off with some grated Parmesan cheese. 630 calories, worth every one!

The day has gone without a hitch. I did drop the ball on the vegetable route but that will be remedied tomorrow for sure. Feeling a lot less unhinged today, the new routine has given me some much needed structure. I haven't decided when I'll begin the exercises, I was thinking mid week, going to start on a lower level and gradually go up. Of course there is a 50% chance I will test the waters with going straight to the level I was before, just to gauge how far in I can get. In fact I think I'll do that. I'll do what I can and regain my endurance. That being said if I am able to do the full hour 5 mile  multi muscle walkout (walking + workout) I'd see some incredible results. Or so I say. I have to try to prepare my mental to accept that progress is happening, I dont want this journey to be like the last. Nearly completely blind to progress I was making and hating every bit of it. I slept great last night, hoping for a repeat. Being well rested really does have ...

I’m just trying to keep it together during these incredibly polarizing times. Too much affects me! Sometimes I feel like my emotions are like a feather in the wind. Never stays on a consistent path and just when you I’m on a steady flow the breeze takes me into another direction. It is a nightmare and with so much going on right now I feel like I’ve only got so much mental stamina left. Earlier I nearly had a breakdown at the thought of beginning this journey. I felt like what’s the point, why try to lose weight in times like this, it’s going to be hard, why make life any harder than it has to be right now. I was on the brink of an anxiety attack, and then the breeze shifted and I was calming down suddenly. I know I’m in this alone regardless of what anyone says. It’s crazy it’s so crazy to think that sticking to a plan consistently is all it takes for radical change. That’s how I got started I just stayed going. So why has it been so hard to bounce back. It’s like I’ve jumped on the...

Weighed in today. The numbers weren't pretty but i didn't expect them to be. Im back up to a whopping 510lbs. Close to total regain.. However Im putting an end to the rapid weight incline and plan to lose weight. I mentioned before that I was planning a 2.5 month accelerated weight loss it will officially begin Monday. Outline MAX 2,000 Calories; once per week refuel by eating a little over the recommend 3,590 calories Drink immediately upon wake. Minimum 80oz  water a day,  1 to 2 protein shakes a day 1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar  take vitamins track everything wear watch Ease into exercising red meat no more than once a week Eat veggies write or vlog bed by 11, sleep

I’ve decided to make Saturday my official weigh-in. I don’t recall ever making Saturday my official day before and that’s mostly because it doesn’t feel like a day you weigh-in on, it’s the quintessential cheat day. But I need to challenge that mindset so now it’ll be weigh in day. Been dealing with alot emotionally, trying to understand myself better. Sometimes life really does seem so pointless. Im working to get my mental in a better place. Today I decided to rewatch an old season of the biggest loser to try to motivate myself further, by seeing their results. However I just ended up seeing all the flaws with the show and absoltely loathing Jilliaan Michaels. Shes a wretched, vile woman who should never have been given a platform to spew toxicity. Still, Im planning on starting a 2 and a half month weight loss transformation. Nothing crazy, but certainly polarizing. I seemingly got all the tools Ill need except maybe a new pair of shoes, I'm long overdue but they will wait. ...

I’ve recently enabled guest comments so you no longer have to sign in, register or use a social media account to leave a comment. I actually thought this was available by default but upon inspection learned it isn’t. Now it is, after you comment  you click the empty name field and click the tiny box

I’ve been stacking the dominoes so to speak . Lining things up to prepare for what could be the comeback of the century. I can’t wait for the motivation, I can’t wait for the inspiration. They aren’t coming. I just have to go , I just have to do . I surprised myself with what I was capable of when I changed my life to lose weight, I can do it again. I’ll never forget the feeling of hopelessness the idea of weight loss was back 2010, so hopeless that I knew any thing I tried would fail. It wasn’t in the realm of possibilities it wasn’t feasible. But in 2014 with a slow start I would go on to completely obliterate all the perceptions I had about losing weight and my ability.  Mental illness has played a bigger role than I liked to admit, I’ve never shied away from discussing my depression , anxiety PTSD but It took until this last year to realize I have less control over things than I’d like.  I know these problems won’t vanish with weight loss but it would help trem...

I've been managing to create new lows for myself, the other day someone from TLC's my 600lb Life reached out to me about joining the show. It was not the kind of message someone like me wants to see... maybe like 10 years ago sure. But now with all the problems I have with image and weight loss, for them to solicit me was quite the slap in the face, although Im sure they meant well, after all there are people who would jump at the opportunity. Not me A guy mistook me for a woman in a store the other day, that hasn't happened in so long, i had recently shaven, and I unfortunately bare an unusual amount of excess fat in my chest, plus I guess I dont have the deepest of voice! Still it was quite crushing. Still because of on-going therapy this wasnt as deep a cut as it could have been, Im almost proud of myself how well Ive been rolling with the punches.  Ive been on a weird eating cycle of basically eating everything. Admittedly its boredom based I want to get things back...

Off it Ages ago I said on some social media platform that I had been on a weight loss journey at that point. That was true, it’s been about a year honestly since I’ve been on the journey. Yes I’ve tried losing weight, yoyoing a bit then gaining  massively, but the weight loss journey ended some time ago. Weight loss journey implies consistency, if not in actions, or behavior, then in thought. If when you’re failing, or gaining it’s still in the back of your head that you need to recover from the down. That’s not where I’ve been. I’ve completely given up and half-assed all my efforts accordingly. Where am I right now? Im weighing in at a staggering 508lbs, I’ve completely fallen off. Today I bought two packages of cookies about 60 cookies in each pack. I immediately pummeled through 15, sure, the first few were good, but come 4, 5 and they didn’t even have taste anymore, but I continued the binge anyhow. The irony is in the last few weeks binges have been down. So will I ever ...