Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Crash and burn I gained 3.4 pounds. Last week I weighted 427.8, this week 430.4 . Going back into the 30s is quite the devestating blow. Last week I did decide to go to the Christmas dinner after my mom stopped just short of begging me to go. It wasn't a complete nightmare, but as usual I felt out of place. I've always had the alien family feeling. I watch as everyone else interact, how they relate, were there humors align, where there general chemistry is. I just have not ever felt like I belonged there, when my brothers are there, they fit in perfectly however. The only moment that truly got my anxiety going was when of the two uncles asked my mom while we were we the dinner table, the same dinner table that I was at and only a few seats away, If I had attended my other grandmothers funereal, and mother started to answer and I finished for her and said "no I didn't go." He literally asked the question just like this "did Brandon go to his grandmas funera...

Well last week didn't go as planned. I dropped the ball, Monday I attempted the 3 mile multi-muscle indoor walk which is 45 minutes long, but completely forgot how much more intense it starts out than  the others. It's not crazy, but it's got a lot going on. There was 23 minutes left and I had to call it quits. I burned over 500 calories though, but I was disappointed I had to call it quits. I think it discouraged me from working out the rest of the week (the fact that I quit, not that it was so long or intense), because sadly, there were no further exercises for the week. My eating was mixed, but once again, mother made some sugary sweets. This time peanut butter cookies, not nearly as loaded as the cake from the week before, and there were only 6 to last the whole week. I broke the chip rule mindlessly last week when mom bought "Cheetos cheese puffs." It was late I just wanted a snack and I just went into the kitchen and put some in a little zip baggie  and ate ...

Another week down, and another weigh-in is upon us. Last week I weighed 433.0, this week 431.9. I lost 1.7 pounds. My eating wasn't as strict as the first week, mom made a chocolate cake, and normally I would avoid completely, but this time I decided to indulge, and everyday I had a slice of that cake, I didn't go as well with my meals in general. I still did okay, but could have done better, this week I will certainly follow in week ones footsteps,. I'm not sure why I let myself take part in that cake, it was loaded in sugar, and sodium. Miles everyday this week, as per Losecember weekly agenda. No more indulgences. More veggies. More fruit.

Well that week went pretty fast. It was another pretty solid week. I managed to crack 2,000 calories a few times as well. A did lose momentum with the miles throughout the week though, and by Thursday I contemplated skipping entirely, I didn't, but ended doing my walk at 11:30pm, same for Friday. It was a good call adding the increase days at the start of the week. The coming week I think I'll add the 3 mile for Monday, 2miles for Tuesday, the back to 1's for the rest f the week. Read, maybe draw. I have an appoint with the nutritionist Tuesday. Almost half the month is over already, time seems to be zipping by, almost to spite me. The family will be making Christmas Dinner, various members will be making various dishes, I guess this means it will be at Grandmas house, sometimes it's at a particular uncles lavish house(not the one I've mentioned on this blog, though equally unsavory). The chances of me going in either case are comically low. I'm just not up ...

Some of my homework for therapy for last week was to draw a thermometer, with broken down smaller goals for my weight loss leading up to my final goal. My therapist wanted 10 pound intervals but in the end I decided on numbers that would actually matter to me, so they very quite a bit. I'm satisfied. I'm not quite sure this will serve the purpose the therapist is wanting, but I'm keeping an open mind. I'll fill it in as I progress.  That's a lot of empty space...  (Re-frame) That's a lot of work ahead.

Increasing to two miles yesterday was a bit of a challenge, but one I completed. I forgot about all of the extra  hand, leg, and arm movements that are added in the second mile, my watch  said I burned a staggering 502 calories! I was certainly feeling every bit of it, when Leslie announced we were at the cool down portion, a single tear fell from my left my eye in relief ( I kid! ) . Here is something random, mid-November I got into listening to NPR (National Public Radio), I listen to it everyday now, there is just some stories featured that have me really feeling like my horizons have been broadend, or that I have been cultured just a little bit. Then there is the news and I really feel informed about things not just here but all around the world, and it's increasing my interest in politics, too. I often listen to The BBC World Service now as well. I started listening to these while browsing radio stations on iTunes on my iPad, at the very bottom below all the music ...

After a week of adding healthy regular routines back to my rotation in my life, time came to find out if any of that paid off. Last week I weighed an even 436.0 pounds, this week, 433.0 . I lost an even 3 pounds. That's a nice start to Losecember, just what I wanted to see, decreasing numbers. Happy dance

It's a solid week goes as far my diet and exercise is concerned. It was nice getting back to having routines. The daily exercising, logging, and even three meals added a nice balance of ritual to my days again. Starting out doing the 15 minute one mile was a great starter, I'm glad I didn't get overly ambitious. I noticed the calories I burned changed everyday, it dropped everyday. I'm sure there are are number of factors for this. No workouts on the weekend. Eating the three meals, all week, was a nice addition as well, I believe I only reached 2,000 calories one time, however, still, this is progress. And I have really been enjoying the vegetables with my meals, as well as the grapes I often have for lunch and snakes. Thursday I found time to read several chapters from my Dean Koontz book The Darkest Evening The Year , which I had not picked up in months. My goodness are things getting crazier, and crazier. Here I thought this was gonna be your classic horror nov...

So Tuesday's appointment proved to be one of the more dramatic. It was the first time my psychiatrist  has ever called in my therapist for a sort of  tag-team effort. As I've indicated in some posts last months my depression has been quite severe lately, my psychiatrist is quite worried I am slipping back to where I was before I originally started seeking treatment. She wants me to consider do a two week inpatient treatment  program to prevent further escalation. I rejected, but then agree  to consider it, the idea isn't sitting to well with me however. There's also been a change in my medication, the Lexapro is out, we are now going to try Prozac. I'm not very optimistic, simply because I remember how well the Lexapro seemed to work initially, same with the Zoloft. I won't get my hopes up to high. My psychiatrist was tough on me about re-framing my thinking, and working more towards changing my Black or White thinking, which mirrors a lot what my therapist ha...

Losecember is full steam ahead, yesterday went well. I did my in door mile, ate 3 meals, started using  MyfitnessPal and finished the day just over 1500 calories, not quite the 2,000 the nutritionist is wanting, but I'm quite sure this is a lot better than the 800 ish I guesstimate I've been taking in regularly. This is the right step. I don't remember if I have discussed this, so sorry if I have but, remember when I bought that fitness watch earlier in the year, I believe around the time I got the scale. I was still in the 530s, and for the watch to be able to be used to monitor heart rate or burned calories the minimum weight requirement was 438. I could not use any of its neat functions. Until a few weeks ago when I randomly grabbed the watched and noticed I was below the minimum weight. I could actually use the watch, I didn't see this as much of a big deal, though my therapist did. I also noticed the watched fit different, I could get more loops in the straps. I ...

Weight-in came and went and I'm up two pounds, ending November with a thud. I'd like to not repeat last months inconsistency and lack of progress so I'm deaming this month Losecember, pretty ambitious considering the time of the year, I know. It's the official return of my indoor walking, I need to start burning calories, and being active in some kind of way, after all I was seeing better results earlier in the year when walking. Chips forget about it, they are done. None for the month. None. I have wheat thins,  (but gosh they are no chip, not by any means). I'm reducing my processed foods by 80%, this will help with sodium. I will also return to daily usage of Myfitness Pal Someone asked if Triscuts were supposed to be better for us, my nutritionist didn't exactly put them on a pedestal, but even before that recommendation I always thought they were really healthy because of the way they were made. However, the flavor I had, sour cream and chive, was int...

Another month nears its end and another weight in with poor results was had. Last week I weighted 434.8 pounds, this week,  434.8. I maintained. It's been a rather bumpy month in terms of the mental health spectrum, and my overall journey. It's like my journey is a car and I'm suppose to be driving it, but this month i put on a blind fold, hopped over to the passenger seat and let my depression take the wheel. I never knew if I'm going foward backward, or if I was moving at all. I haven't been doing my homework for therapy in spite of  stating I would put more effort into it awhile ago. I told my therapist I think subconsciously I maybe don't want to do the home work cause I want to stay at the edge, but cause I want to build up to jump off the cliff. Earlier this month I wrote a goodbye letter to my nephews, sensing my impending doom after entering the dark haze once again. I was telling them, among other things, how I was sorry that I wasn't a bett...

It's been a bombastic last few weeks. The week after my last post I had quite the gain, going up to 437.6, it was a week of few calories but high sodium which of course meant all the weight was water. That of course didn't stop me from being utterly depressed by the new high numbers. Later last week, now at the tail-end of the year,  I finally met with a nutritionist, her name is Mary. She's quite nice, she seemed unusually impressed with my weightloss this year,which she did a calculation and I've lost a total of 10% of my overall body weight. She mapped out a plan for me and she wants me to follow it, I'll go more into details of that in a future post, but it involves eating 2,000 calories a day minimum, and I simply can't think of the last time I gave myself so much room. The plan is to meet with her monthly. This week I weigh 434.8 , seems I've lost almost all the water weight.

It's been a few weeks since I've posted. There have been some developments I felt I needed to blog about. Lately Ive found the concept of blogging exhausting even though I know it's beneficial, I digress. It's Monday and I have weighted in, I lost 5 pounds, I'm down to 433.6. I had my follow up to my blood work from a few weeks ago today also, a bit late, but I was dragging my feet. I finally got it sheduled after unusually prolonged fits of dizziness last week, figured I do the ole two birds one stone thing. My doctor didn't have good news for me, I'll cut write to the chase, something is going on with my kidneys, she something about some one thing being low and some other thing being several points high (like 7 higher than it should be?) we aren't sure what's the exact cause she thinks it could be my blood pressure combo pill, because my blood pressure has been normal today, it was perfect , though she said my pulse was high. She's switchi...

(Don't mind my mug... Melissa & Nick) this is a selfie we took when I was helping them house hunt in July of this year Today my friend Melissa had her operation for thyroad cancer at 7:30am. She's been a pretty strong trooper about the whole process, thus so have I. They removed the all masses and she's on the road to recovery, she's doing fine. I never had that delayed anxiety attack I was expecting. In fact, my week over all was one of the better, more stable mental health weeks I've had in a while. I think a had maybe one particular day that stood out as rough, trying to deal with these body image issues. It's on going, thin almost seems like an entirely different species of human to me. Am I progressing? That's what I've been nervous to ask myself, it feels like I've been fighting the same fight over and over this year. Though lately, the battles feel like altered, mutated, stronger versions of their past selves. I know I haven...

I brought this up with my therapist today in therapy, and she quickly agreed that without I doubt suffer from this condition. When looked into the disorder I was surprised to see the treatments were things I am   already doing or taking. They listed medications   such a s Zoloft which I used to be on and Lexapro which I'm currently on, as well as cognitive behavioral therapy which I obviously am partaking in actively on a weekly bases. Still, it was a bit surprising and a bit of a let down to discover these things as it feels like it's rather new, or rather increasingly intense development. I keep comparing myself to thinner guy its completely unhealthy but I do it, like with the medical asst. Graham, I do things like that a lot. I'll see someone thin and then compare myself then start to rip myself to shreds. Then begins a bit of obsessing over the thinner person, what there life might have been life when they were younger, how many friends they may have, where they ...

Then came the curve ball. No I do not have thyroid cancer, remember my camping trip, the one I went on with my friend Nick and Melissa. Well during that trip I mention that earlier morning she got sick and they rushed off to the hospital, they thought it was her tonsils. Turns out she has thyroid cancer. I was pretty blow away by the news, she is a dear friend and although thyroid cancer is quite curable it is nevertheless cancer, as things like radiation and chemotherapy could be in her future. She is scheduled for surgery as soon as Monday. It  hasn't fully set in, and the fear of it has not fully hit me, which  is probably good, maybe I can sort through my feelings, sort through the situation, sort through the condition and facts now, before the anxiety and mounds of emotion come into play, maybe it will lessen whatever effect it will all have on me. This news comes a day after another friend informed me he had just found out his uncle died, but he been dead two weeks and...

I lost a decent 2.4 pounds. This week I weigh 442.6 pounds, (previously 445.0) in spite of my sodium in take it appears my it was no match for the effect of taking in such low calories. This week I'm going to try to do better across the board, no more slacking with the water either. I'm going to clean my room this week. I'm going to try to make this a week of clarity, reflect, think and write. Maybe even draw, we will see.

I think the time zone is irrelevant. It's early, and I have I not been to sleep. My sleep lately has been quite poor. Weight-in  in just a few hours really, and I anticipate another gain. It's been a week of low calories and  high sodium, which seems to always result in gain. My calorie intake has been almost criminally low, and the sodium, criminally high, so I guess if I try to be rational (try) this results in water retention, which I seem be pretty prone too anyways. I'm normally great about drinking my 64oz of water a day but this past week it has been a mediocre effort. . I've been dealing with my depression, or really not dealing with it. It's dealing with me, or I don't know, I have homework for therapy, that I find to exhausting to start to do, I honestly don't remember what it is. I have these sheets somewhere, but I don't want to find them to find out. I actually haven't done homework for therapy in awhile, I always forget or just can...

Here we go, starting things off on a bad note. The first weigh in of the month is a gain! Last week I was 444.6 this week 445.0. A .4 gain. So I've enter he most difficult phase of the year on bad terms! I Guess what, I finally got to see that psychiatrist of mine, she thinks I should lower my goals (no kidding), that I have a all or nothing mentality (I wouldn't necessarily  agree), and that this "transformation year" thing was a rather toxic aspiration. Wanting to go from 4XX to 1XX in a year would be impossible (even though the people on Biggest Loser  Extreme Weight Loss do it, but I digress) her argument (similar if not identical with what some of what you and the therapist have said) is to cut my goals into installments so instead of having to be instantly 180 I cut it down into waves. Like 400 would the next big, then 375, 350, 325,b250 etc. I rejected this almost immediately my argument being that I felt like when people (in general) cut their goals they s...

Mom made a huge pot a vegetable soup yesterday and it's delicious. A great way to start the month I think, no? We have a least a couple days worth left, well at least two more, it tasted even better today.  Maybe this is the month of soups and chillis? It actually sounds greatly appealing, more so than pizza, my Achilles-heel, which I haven't really wanted, but I haven't really n ot-wanted. I haven't wanted anything which is kind odd I think. My oldest nephew (15) was supposed to make a brief visit today (but didn't), he has been having more trouble with school, and not doing home work, or even mentioning that he has it. He is more worried about looking hip and cool , very much sounds like "typical teen" but it is rather disappointing, I didn't so much have that need be hip and cool as a teenager, being morbidly obese kind of sidelined that, I certainly wanted to be popular though, thinking back I had a lot of prespective because of my obesity. Somet...

The weekend draws near, and guess what, it's official, it's October, a bittersweet month for me. I loved Halloween as a child in spite of my weight, you see my size limited my option of costumes and mostly I did not dress up at all. I remember when mom made this big elaborate robot costume out of cardboard boxes, it was so uncomfortable but looked pretty darn cool. It was one if the last true costumes I ever wore. I was probably 6 or 7, it took what seemed like hours to create that thing we were very proud of it though. As I mentioned though, my weight caused issues with dressing up, so later I mostly opted for nothing, or a simple single mask. I used to love Halloween for many reasons the free candy, the school parties, the Halloween specials of my favorite tv shows, but it began the kickoff before my favorite holiday Christmas. I would start my Christmas list around now. Really though I loved watching scary move marathons, as well as the less spooky, more family oriented...

Lets get straight to it. Last week I was 448.2 pounds, this week I am 444.8. Down 3.4 pounds. I discovered yesterday that the psychiatrists office called Friday at some point and left a message. For whatever reason the phone didn't ring, anyways, it wasn't until yesterday that I discover that my FREAKING MONDAY APPOINTMENT WITH THE PSYCHIATRIST HAD BEEN DELAYED YET ANOTHER WEEK!!!!! I'm at my whits end on this situation, I think this is number 5 or 6. I like my psychiatrist even though I've only seen her a total of maybe 3 times since having to switch from the previous because of the infamous...   incident . I didn't have these issues with my last one however! I don't want to have to consider looking for a new psychiatrist, I really don't. The very idea gives me anxiety, but if they somehow have some need to push back yet another week, I think I'll have no choice. I did make it to my primary doctor today,  blood pressure was perfectly normal. I men...

Spirits have been up lately. Eating has improved. I'm feeling overall rather good, however I'm still not using Myfitnesspal , soon though. I can still tell I may not be eating enough, which seems odd I honestly felt like I ate a lot yesterday until I woke up this morning feeling like I could actually feel gravity against my skin physically . Yesterday I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, had a fruit cup of tangerines before lunch, then for lunch I snacked on some chips (I know, I know) it was an individual bag worth 4 servings and I ate all of them by dinner, and for dinner I had beef meatballs with potatoes and green beans. I only opted for 3 meatballs, I considered maybe more but I thought, no, this is enough, they were a moderate size, and the green beans and potatoes covered the plate. Still this was the biggest meal I had eaten all week, but I'm getting back on track. I really need to get out of the house. I have been quite the recluse lately. Aside from appointment...

Today was a mild day, had my appointment with the dermatologist. They were packed, I've never seen their office full like that before, in fact, the nice older ladies next to me made the same comment, apparently they had been waiting awhile. Somehow the older ladies  next to me made the experience a nice one, in fact the only anxiety I had was when thinking about being called back, and having to walk in front of that sea of people. There was something very charming about the older ladies next to me, I could tell they had been  friends a very-very long time, they were cracking jokes, and just having some lovingly banter that I truly enjoyed. I remember one asking "I wonder if they serve lunch" I just giggled,I enjoyed that little gem like it was the prized punchline of a seasoned comedian, and then I thought, that's what I'd like, to grow old some day and to have friends to accompany me to appointments or wherever, to keep things fun and interesting. It seemed as ...

Therapy today went pretty well, was definitely a great session. Physically I'm doing poor, Im not eating enough, it only dawned on me this morning when I was taking my shower and it was the worst experience ever, it reminded of the that time I went walking at the park when I was eating too few calories and had to call it quits. I had been noticing ever day this week everything just feel extra painstaking, little, normal, regular things like shower, but today it was just the worst. I had that sick feel in my stomach, the weakness in my knees, and the fighting against Gravity thing going on, not to mention I was dizzy. At first I couldn't figure it out, then I realized that yesterday's meal didn't add up very high (I didn't use myfitnesspal, and haven't been using it)  I suddenly realized that if I had catalogued everything into myfitnesspal based off of what I knew from the past, my entire day's meal was less than a thousand calories, probably around 600-80...

Ive been rather sleepy today. I've been sleeping or napping most the day, my mood seems calm. I've been thinking a lot about future-self/ideal me again. He doesn't seem impossible to obtain anymore, but I realize my image of him is very precise, I have a particular hairstyle, and I am skinny, 100% skinny, not a "healthier weight" or (finally) just noticeably smaller. I'm completely skinny. Skinny and toned, well not so much toned, actually I can't say for sure if sure toned is right, but I look great in "skinny guy clothes". I weigh 448 pounds, the guy I envision, he looks like he weighs like 180 Pounds, the road to get to him looks so long in light of my recent yoyoing. I need to spark the the fire. Speaking of future-self/ideal me, my therapist wants to see the post I wrote about him several months ago. She originally wanted me to write up how I seen my future if I lost the weight  and I told her I had already did a piece like that on the bl...

Well now here is a surprise, the weigh-in wasn't the disastrous nightmare I anticipated, in fact, I'd go so far as to say it was good, so let's get to the numbers. Last week I was 450.6 pounds, this week 448.2. I lost 2.4 pounds. I'm surprised. It's not like I was overeating last week, but I thought I was eating a lot of high sodium things that might lead to gain,truth is I probably could have doubled or tripled that number if I was eating more sensible, but I'm quite pleased, I didn't set a bad precedent for 3 bad weigh-ins straight! My psychiatrist appointment got moved back to next Monday at 12:30......... Are keeping track how times this appointment has been changed! I didn't find out until I was in the office though, that was fun. 4th times the charm? -_- This weeks agenda, schedule an appointment with my primary doctor (I really need to already), clean my room, eat more vegetables, cut out chips, blog everyday ( I've been skipping days as y...

Sunday has arrived and an uneventful weekend nears its conclusion.  I think I'm going to cut my beard/sideburns, my hair in general is out of control but my beard is particularly crazy. Its just that  if I cut it.. It exposes my round obese face, it's a double edged sword I'm wielding here it seems. Psychiatrists appointment tomorrow morning. Tomorrows weigh-in is expected to be bad, and set a bad precedent. Three consecutive  weeks of poor weigh-ins. I started watching weight loss bloggers on YouTube again. I've only seen a few videos. They haven't gotten me back into gear, but I feel a familiar stir inside that could be a good sign that my second wind is coming.

I'm still in my uncertain zone,  therapy yesterday went okay, but it took everything inside of me to just go. I wanted it skip it. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist Monday, speaking of appointments, yeah I never made that appointment with my primary doctor. I've really been dragging my feet about it, then again that's been the case for weeks now. The week is nearly over,  which means a weigh-in isn't too far away, honestly we are in for another disappointing week. I've been trying to get out of this mental  state I'm in, find some motivation, but it really feels like I'm battle a war against myself. As of right now no plans for the weekend, my room is a mess, I'm not sure how it got to this state so fast, clearly I'm just overall in decline, it wasn't that long ago that I de-cluttered it, now it's a full blown mess. Still a chance for that second wind, I hope. Things will surely get better.....

I've been irritable the last two days and I'm not quite sure why. I hate being irritable, I'm very conscious of it after the fact. I hate how irrational I feel, I have no idea what could be the cause or trigger of this. It might just be the fact that my mood in general is crummy.  I'm just not very motivated, and I wouldn't say I'm down but, yeah I'm kind of down. Future-self/ideal me seems more and more like a fantasy I've been indulging too long in seeking. I really dont know why I feel this way, maybe it's because I fear I'll have issues with myself after the weight is gone. I really don't like me and those old journal entries from last year I rediscovered last week really made me think  that my issues may be a lot deeper, though I'm certain it all stems from the weight. My obesity blossomed into a subconscious self hate that probably started when I first started gaining as a child. Now it seems like simply losing the weight won't ...

Well I called it, it was an unsavory weigh-in. Yet  another week in the 450s. Last week I weighed 450, this week.... 450  I maintained... Well technically I gained. As the actually numbers went from 450.6  to 450.9.  So I gained .3 pounds. I'm cutting out sweet snacks, I've been munching on a lot of high calorie sweet treats lately, they add up the other day I had chocolate pie that was 1 serving 500 calories, two months ago I would never have touched such a thing! I'm cutting them out. I also need to get back to eating veggies every single day, and eating more baked meats. I got to be careful about sodium, though I need to at have the calories it's the salt that seems to be my biggest issue. I seem to be prone to water retention and some of the things I've been eating have had triple the suggest sodium for an entire day. What's worse is the calories aren't as high. Im still addicted to chips, they are my Achilles heel. I said I was cutting them out we...

Yesterday was a nice day, my two young nephews Kieryn and Jaedyn spent the day here, and though they wore me out, I really enjoyed them being over in spite of feeling physically terrible.  I had not gotten much sleep the night before and mom wanted me to run to the grocery store with her early in the morning, she normally doesn't ask, because I normally wouldn't go, however I agreed. I felt completely gross in the store, I had a odd feeling in my stomach, not anxiety, I felt sick. I ended up going back to the car about 25 minutes in. I was having a hard time keep my balance. I got better throughout the day but it wasn't the best feeling throughout. I didn't eat much. I had some crackers for breakfast, mom insisted I eat, I had teriyaki noodles for lunch and some frozen pizza for dinner. [Sunday]Today (well, now officially yesterday since it's midnight!) I was feeling a bit better, there is still something unusual going on with my stomach, and I'm making an ap...

I'm pretty sure come next weeks weigh-in I'll be in the 450's for yet another week. My biggest enemy now is sodium, and I simply haven't cared enough to cut back. I haven't eaten much this week, but what I've eaten has surely. Even loaded with sodium, and I've once again abandoned myfitnesspal , to be fair last weeks internet outage contributed largely to this, but now that things are back online I haven't bothered to add my food. I'm still in a bit of a rut I guess. I really need to prepare for the second wave of my weight loss journey. Soon, a second way will come.

Sigh.... Mom got a call last night letting her know that one of my brothers would be getting out his incarceration in May, that now means both brothers will be home in the first half of 2016. It's interesting because it was originally taught that they might be out this year, but that didn't turn out to be. Then it looked like it could even be a few more years for brother "b" ( the younger of the two, but only slightly). It has been confirmed for awhile that brother "a" (oldest) was to end his home away from home vacation in February 2016. The idea of them being home is one I only entertain for moms benefit, I know she'll love having them back, I personally wish my journey could  magically conclude with goal success by then and me be out of the picture before they return. It's clear that isn't going to happen.  Reminds me of my last few years in high school when I wanted to lose weight graduate and go to college, because at that time they were a...

Its quite interesting, the Internet went out last Tuesday as I was writing an update for the blog. A week later I'm back online. Just over a week later and everything is back to normal. I didn't initially deal with not having internet the first day very well, but by Thursday I just accepted and decided to wait it out, what other choice did I have? It wasn't the best week mentally. I stayed home and in my room most of the time, getting lost in my own thoughts. Out of boredom I started reading old journal and writing entries I had written last year on my iPad. I couldn't read too deep into the journal ones they remind me to much of last year pre-lifestyle change (Though, Im sure that's the point). What's more interesting is how many short stories I wrote, and began to write but never finished. It's clear that writing a book was something I was inching towards, but I wasn't focused enough to see it through. In therapy while going over some of these ol...

First I'd like to start out by pointing out how disgustingly humid it is for the first time in.. I don't know, like a week or two, yuck! Blërg!  I can hear those cicadas out there making that end of summer howl theumake, normally it doesn't bother me, and I'm not sure if it does now, but I am hyper aware of it at the moment and I'm not exactly enjoying it. Now to the weigh-in, last week I weighed 457 pounds, this week, 451 ! That's 6 pounds down. That's a good number. Today started off great, and then crashed, just totally burned up in flames. I have a lot to discuss with my therapist this week it seems! Also... I had another slight, slight blackout today. Luckily I was already leaning against a wall at the moment of  eclipse. I never did see my doctor last week like I was supposed to. I'm still not much concerned by this. I've been wondering really deep things lately, what's out there for me? Feels like Ive run out of time... Got the news ...

It's was a mild day of mostly movie watching, weigh-in tomorrow could go a number of ways I'll just have to wait and see I suppose. I have not been as drowsy today. Short one today.

I'm finally back on my ADHD medication at the upped dosage, one thing about this medication is it absolutely kills my appetite, I remember telling my therapist about it during week 2, because I had to make it a point to eat. Today just kind of came and went and before I knew it mom had fixed s frozen pizza for dinner, and I had suddenly realized  that dinner was my first meal of the day. Together we ate about half the frozen pizza and will gave the rest tomorrow. Loss of appetite is a side effect but it's one I think I can use to my advantage quite nicely. That drowsiness yeah it's not gone, it's also listed as a possible side effect, interestingly I didn't have this issue until this round. It's not really much of an issue right now I guess, I don't exactly have a lot going on. Sometimes Id rather be sleep cause I feel I could one day wake up thin, while I simultaneously dread sleep because I don't exactly like waking up to... Me. Quite the woven web i...

It's been an unproductive day full of naps. There's been no point throughout the day that I didn't feel like I could fall to sleep for hours upon end. I'm I'm not complaining, I don't even think I'll have a problem sleeping tonight as this drowsy spell is still cast over me. Last night I had a bit of a weight related breakdown, picturegate striked again. Not the picture of me by the camper from the camping trip, but a different photo from the trip. One of me by the lake, it was just awful, I could not bare my own sight and just had a complete breakdown. Luckily it didn't last long, and as of right now this moment, I'm over it. I suppose this is why several months ago I changed my profile picture on Facebook to the one below, and it's remain that to this day. Summer is coming to a close, a breeze crept through my bedroom window the other day and I could have sworn it was the chill of winter. I coped with summers heat this year better tha...

The week seems to have just glided by, it's almost over. I've been sleeping well, this morning however I woke-up feeling kind of out of it.  A recent comment mentioned going down in shirt sizes, that's interesting because my therapist has been saying I should do this for weeks, new clothes, it's a touchy subject. I'm not quite sure there is enough of a difference to warrant me getting new lower sizes. As I told my therapist (whom thought I was being ridiculous) I've laid in these shirts in so many different ways and contorted them that it's really no telling if weight loss  has anything to with this appearance. So I really don't want to go down lower in sizes and be disappointed, and then wouldn't going down in size make me look bigger anyways? I know the logic in that last bit is odd , but it just came to me, I can't rationalize it, but it seems valid as if this sentence. Mentally I'm mostly stable, however that picture of me by the campe...

Several months ago, when I was walking at the park regularly with my buddy Nick, I was invited to go camping with him and his girlfriend (and my mutual friend) Melissa, and reluctantly agreed. The idea of camping had never been something that appealed very much to me, nature and weather, a one two punch of discomfort, but I agreed to go. A week ago when my buddy made a surprise follow-up asking me to go during that upcoming weekend I agreed, although, reluctantly ( I'm supposed to be trying new things this year remember?). I told myself this could be a fun experience despite the the the mild anxiety telling me this could be horrible; Plus I've never had a true s'mores before and I could finally experience that. I only went camping one day, thought my friends were there multiple days, as the week went on I actually built up quite a bit of anticipation, I can truly say I hit  a point where I was was excited to go, but that would have to wait until Saturday. On Friday I w...

I'm back on track, I'm blogging, I'm tracking, I'm cutting back, all these thing are needed to aid me for a better journey. This journey has been one roller coaster after another. I just want to be thin and want life to begin already, but for now let's move on. Due to confusing circumstances with my insurance Ive been out of my ADHD medication  since last Thursday and they won't renew it until next month, not only that but the dosage is suppose to be increased, it's going to be a less than stellar week for productivity. I was suppose to see my psychiatrist this week but it got bumped to next Tuesday. Over the weekend I went camping, tomorrow I'm going to make a post about it with pictures. Yesterday I was just below 2,000 calories.

I've been losing my mojo, perhaps my lack of presence here is a good indication of that. This past week I gained four pounds, the prior week (the week of my failed fitness reboot) I lost around 7. Last week I weighed 453, this week 457. I ate unapologetically last week, pizza, fast food, did not track at all. Every time I hang out with friends, I gain, because I lift all food restrictions, not always intentionally, either way here I am again another week up. I've stalled progress and I've begun wondering why I've gotten to this point, I've been really discouraged, by unusual sources I  think. Every time I see a fit thin, muscular guy I just feel completely disgusting. I like I haven't gotten anywhere, like I'll never be there. Then I just go on and on about what it must be like to have lived  their average thin life, and I sink, and I give up ever so slightly each time. So I'm going backwards. Every week I lose weight I take a victory lap and gain th...

Yesterday I suffered a dizzy spell, or episode, like no other. It was after therapy which went swell, I'm really getting a lot out of it, and  lately my emotional state seems overall better balanced than before I sought counseling. Back to the point, I was at home, hours later I was in my room on the computer, resting my back, and my mom told me dinner was done. I finished what I was doing popped up and proceeded to head into the kitchen, but as I made my way towards the doorway of the living room I felt lightheaded, so I stopped to kind of collect myself for a moment. I remember tracing my hands along the framing of the doorway, and the next thing I know I hear my mom yelling and screaming my name, I had completely passed, fainted, whatever you want to call it. I fell backwards hard into the hallway closet door and then to the floor. Apparently as my mom was panicking and yelling my name I was unresponsive and jerking, she described it like  I was having a seizure or stroke...

I don't know what caused it but I woke up with terrible lower back pain, so severe that I can't even stand upright for very long. I have a very high threshold of pain and don't throw around that phrase loosely, but I had to pop some ibuprofen to reduce the pain. To aid to a less than stellar start I had to come to terms with the fact that last night I had broken my few months old new glasses. It was devastating! I of course blamed my weight, as I had taken them off while on the bed, but I mistook the foreign object I felt for a pencil, which turned out to be my glasses. Snap! I briefly entered a incredibly toxic extremely dark state of mind, it lasted maybe 10 minutes, but the severity of my angry at myself was massive and destructive to say the least. Once I had gotten out of that cloud I was kind of shocked just how fast that escalated, and just how fast it was gone. Definitely something I'll be bringing up in therapy tomorrow. So Fitness part of boot camp week is ...